NEW ON DVD | The Geek Movie Review

I AM LEGEND

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:44:32 -0600

Run Time: 1 hr. 40 min.

Rating: PG-13 - violence and intense sequences of action

Cast: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Salli Richardson, Emma Thompson, Willow Smith

Director: Francis Lawrence

Genre: Action Thriller, Action, Sci-Fi

Well it was bound to happen. Will Smith is from my hometown of Philly. So he has managed to do cinematically, what Donovan McNabb and The Eagles as well as the Phillies, Sixers, Flyers, and any other sports team we have has done…

Build us up for a win and then let us down.

Big Willie does it Philly style here. Although, to be fair, one can’t blame all of what goes wrong in I am Legend on Will Smith. In fact, hardly any of it can be hung on Will.

Based on the Richard Matheson novel, I am Legend – which was made earlier as a 1954 Vincent Price film and later with Chuck Heston as The Omega Man in the 70s – tells the story of Army scientist Robert Neville, who is the lone survivor of a virus that has wiped out mankind.

To avoid insanity, Neville forgoes the Tom Hanks route of making friends with a volleyball and is joined at the hip with his German Shepherd, Samantha. Robert and Samantha have a fairly structured day. They rise early, check on Neville’s experiments (he’s trying desperately to find a cure or vaccine for the virus) then hit the streets of an empty New York City.

Director Francis Lawrence is at his best turning NYC into a ghost town. Grass grows in the middle of Broadway. Deer and antelope run freely…as do lions. The opening sequence is quite jaw-dropping as Lawrence comes from an aerial shot down an empty Broadway and captures Neville and Sam in a hot sports car. After a morning hunt, Neville spends the rest of the day talking to mannequins he has dressed as people on the street, and reaching out to anyone who may have survived on his ham radio.

Neville is also haunted by memories of his wife and daughter (played by Salli Richardson and Smith’s daughter, Willow) escaping New York unsuccessfully.

One has to wonder why Neville, who for some reason is immune to the virus, is trying so hard to find a cure. His dog will die one day and the idea of living on canned corned beef and Spam for the rest of one’s life is enough to cause anyone to bring a gun to their mouths.

Neville also wears all sorts of watches and alarms. See he really isn’t alone in the big apple. There are vampire-like creatures, infected humans, called Dark Seekers who have lost all their humanity. They are out of the 28 Weeks Later and Resident Evil school. They are more animal than the animals.

Neville rushes back to his Greenwich Village house, gets rid of his scent by pouring vinegar on his steps and locks the house down like a military base at night. Quite scary is Neville hopping in a bathtub curled up with Sam and a rifle. While these creatures run rampant outside.

For me, where I Am Legend goes off course is after Neville encounters a tragedy. Enter Anna (Alice Braga) and a boy Ethan, played by somebody. These two characters are completely unmemorable. They also begin to raise questions of God, which seem a little late and out of place in this pic. She believes there is a community of survivors in Vermont. How convenient, a nice B&B perhaps? And how does she know this? God told her. It also doesn’t hurt that the one other survivor in America is a hot Brazilian chick. Noice!

The eventual discovery of Neville’s cure feels forced.

I was absolutely engrossed during the first hour or so of I am Legend. It may be some of the best film work I’ve seen this year. However, the third act starts to raise too many unnecessary questions and veers off. I found the effects of the empty city spectacular…more spectacular than the creatures. There is a tense scene where the creatures mimic Neville which is surprising and exciting.

And Will Smith really does do an outstanding job in his performance. He’s often asked to carry a film and in I am Legend he really is put to the task. And he succeeds. If only that third act didn’t happen this would have been close to making it on my top ten.

Francis Lawrence, who also directed Constantine, does a fine job of building tense, on-the-edge-of-your-seat scenes. Less impactful are the scenes between Smith and Braga. I also felt, that if Smith is partially responsible for the virus, he should’ve been tied better to it and Emma Thompson the main scientist.

I am Legend is a big summer flick released in the winter. But it could’ve been so much more.

Three Ball Point Pens.

Beowulf

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:21:25 -0600

RUNNING TIME: 1 hr. 53 min.

RATING: PG-13 - intense sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sexual material and some nudity

CAST: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Brendan Gleeson, Crispin Glover, Alison Lohman, Angelina Jolie

DIRECTOR: Robert Zemeckis

GENRE: Period Film, Adventure

Wait for it. Here it comes.

This is going to be legendary.

Robert Zemeckis’ epic animated film, Beowulf, is an amazing visual masterpiece that grabs you from the opening credits and stays with you long after you’ve left the theater.

In other words, it ain’t your father’s Beowulf.

Oh wait, I am a father. Bad referenced. Well you know what I mean.

I know many of us, myself included, slumbered through Beowulf sometime in the 10^th grade. I found it arduous to read. Didn’t really know what was going on. And, well, to me it was plain boring.

Robert Zemeckis’ interpretation of the poem is anything but. Thankfully he and screenwriters, Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary, have left most of it behind.

For those of you who also slumbered through 10^th grade English, Beowulf is set in the 9^th century and tells the story of a vain, egotistical (maybe delusional) warrior who comes to the aide of King Hrogarth (Anthony Hopkins) and his Danish kingdom.

It seems every time they drink their famous mead and sing obnoxiously, a creature named Grendel(Crispin Glover), who incidentally, is truly terrifying upon his first appearance, comes to town and terrorizes everyone. He is a tumored, tortured, part supernatural soul.

The kingdom’s bad neighbor policy doesn’t really help either.

After an opening scene, which is truly horrific, Hrogarth puts out the call for a hero. Beowulf and his men answer. Beowulf (Ray Winstone) slays Grendel, only to incur the wrath of his mother, a demon played by a sultry and very naked, yes she’s naked with nips, Angelina Jolie.

Unable to kill the demon, Beowulf makes a deal with her…one that will come back to haunt him later in life. And this is where the real legend begins.

Watching Beowulf, I couldn’t help thinking that this was somehow a metaphor for the mess President Bush has created in Iraq. Beowulf and his men land on the Scandinavian shores, proclaiming, “I am Beowulf and I am hear to kill your monster.” Through his following lies and deceits he creates an absolute mess. His pride and too many secrets blind him to the reality of his situation.

This is a film that is about fighting demons – both outer in the form of naked Angelina Jolie and a dragon, as well as your inner demons – lust, pride and deceit. The film is also ripe with Oedipus themes.

While I thoroughly enjoyed Winstone’s performance, I felt Robin Wright Penn’s Wealthow was pretty underused - although I did like her display of disdain for Hopkins’ drunken, loud and lusty king in the beginning. Now on the other hand, the best story arc of the film belongs to John Malkovich’s Unferth. It’s fascinating to watch him grow from a believer in nothing to a believer in Winstone’s Beowulf, and finally switch to the ultimate believer in Christ. His belief gets challenged, but never shattered.

Visually and story wise this is the best-animated feature of the year. The Oscars will have a tough choice between this, Ratatouille and Bee Movie. Possibly the Simpsons. Yes, sometimes the characters look a tad waxy and their movements are sometimes jerky, but all is forgiven during the action sequences – especially the climax. Robert Zemeckis has moved this type of animation several rungs up from 2004’s Polar Express. Alan Silvestri’s score is also worth noting.

Also in the film compendium of man versus dragons, the climatic fight between Beowulf and the demon’s dragon will be hard to beat for sometime. It is jaw-dropping, edge-of-the-seat spectacular.

So while not as emotionally deep as say, Lord of the Rings, Beowulf is a welcome visual feast. And thankfully the visuals never overtake the story. In fact, the story pretty much overtakes the visuals.

I can’t wait to go back and see it in Imax 3-D. Pardon me while I dream a bit of Angelina Jolie naked in 3-D…on Imax. Oh for the women and my gay friends, Ray Winstone is also naked…a lot…especially during an intense, sometimes funny showdown with Grendel. For the truly brave ones, we also see Anthony Hopkins’ naked butt. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

If Beowulf is as successful as I think it will be, look for other 10^th grade snorefests, such as Sir Gawain and The Green Knight and The Canterbury Tales, to be turned into sprawling features.

FOUR BALL POINT PENS.

SOUTHLAND TALES

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 12:00:11 -0600

RUNNING TIME: 2 hr. 24 min.

RATING: R - language, violence, sexual material and some drug content

CAST: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Curtis Armstrong, Joe Campana, Justin Timberlake, Cheri O'Teri, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Miranda Richardson, John Larroquette, Bai Ling, Janeane Garafalo

DIRECTOR: Richard Kelly

GENRE: Black Comedy, Comedy Drama, Thriller, Ensemble Film, Paranoid Thriller

This is an early review.

I’m told that people who see Richard Kelly’s (Donnie Darko) Southland Tales will either love it or hate it.

Count me in the latter. In fact, count me the president of THE I HATE SOUTHLAND TALES club.

I actually saw this about a month ago at the International Horror and Sci Fi Fest in Phoenix. It apparently replaced Aliens vs. Predator 2 as the big premiere. But Fox pulled it at the last minute.

Damn you, Fox.

What really sucks is that I like the cast – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is easily one of most watchable actors out there. I love Cheri O’Teri and Seann William Scott. And I was even a fan Donnie Darko.

So where does this piece of bull poop go wrong?

Everywhere.

Southland Tales starts promising enough. In 2005, a nuclear attack wipes out part of Texas. Now it’s 2008. Most of the world, especially Los Angeles, is living in a police state. A German firm, led by the always-welcome Curtis Armstrong, has found a way to generate energy using seawater, but both public and private groups are desperate to prevent the technology from being introduced in the US. An underground terrorist group, led by Cheri O’Teri, is determined to bring down the government through revolution.

In the midst of an extreme heatwave, three days before July 4^th, Boxer Santaros, an action movie star played by The Rock, hooks up with a porn star, Krysta Now, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. Together they create a script in which Santoras is trying to secure financing. With me still? Somehow reality keeps mirroring the events in the script - such as encountering a racist cop, played by a blond Jon Lovitz, and a LA police officer whose identity has been mysteriously split in half.

This sophomore effort from Kelly is one of they types of movies I hate the most –ooh look at how clever I am!?! This is simply an over-the-top mess that wants to be Dr. Strangelove. But Kelly ain’t Kubrick. He has so many ideas and concepts swirling around, it’s like taking everything in your refrigerator – including the moldy stuff – and stuffing it in a blender and hit mix. Then leave it alone.

It’s a shame, because there is so much talent in this film. Besides whom I mentioned, there’s Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Jeanine Garafalo. All that is missing is Sam Jackson. I’m sure they tried to get him.

Bottom line I walked out of this 2 hour and 30 minute mess - happy to go back to my hotel and watch Desperate Housewives.

HALF BALL POINT PEN.

SAW IV

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 12:22:34 -0600

RUNNING TIME: 1hr. 48 min.

RATING: R - sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture throughout, and for language

CAST: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Lyriq Bent

DIRECTOR: Darren Lynn Bousman

GENRE: Horror

Okay, I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think my wife and kids should be frightened that I am drawn to movies that elevate mutilation and torture to an art form.

I guess there’s something primal in me (and obviously others) that this type of film appeals to. Although I don’t think, even with the amount of horror I write, I could write something like the Saw movies.

They hit a little too close to real life – people hurting people. I’m not really into that.

But I will watch it!

Gone are the days of devil kids and possessed teenage girls. Jason, Freddy are passé.

This is the time of Hostel and of cours,e Saw IV.

Well one thing I will give it, the fourth installment in this very successful series is clever.

And I ain’t talking about the traps - although they are pretty ingenious as well.

Saw IV picks up where III left off. Jigsaw and his protégé Amanda are now dead. But that doesn’t stop John (Jigsaw’s real name) from getting "jiggy" from the grave. Upon the news of detective Kerry’s (Dina “god I love her boobs from Starship Troopers” Meyer from III) death, courtesy of a Jigsaw trap, FBI agents Strahm and Perez (played by Scott Patterson and Athena Karkanis respectively) arrive at the depleted police department to help a beleaguered detective played by Costas Mandylor.

What they learn early on is that an obsessive Swat Team Commander, played by Lyriq Bent has been lured into a game by the deceased Jigsaw – he has 90 minutes to follow a trail of clues in order to save the life of his former partner, Eric Matthews, played by Donnie Wahlberg.

In order to get to him, he will have to decide whether to rescue (or aid Jigsaw) some truly horrible people. People who probably should be put to death for their crimes.

I have to say, traps and mutilation aside, I thought Saw IV was pretty smart. You really have to know the other three movies in order to enjoy this one. Everything is connected – victims, plots etc. This could have also been a prequel to the Saw movies, as we see how John becomes Jigsaw.

But the real stars of the Saw movies are the traps. I don’t know how an old man riddled with cancer could build these, but hey I guess that’s what makes it a movie. From a knife slicing machine to a machine designed to tear out a man’s eyes or rip his body open, the traps of Saw are surprising, exciting and do make you grip your chair at times. Tobin Bell as Jigsawis interesting to watch and now I guess he is turning into some sort of anti-hero, such as Dexter Morgan on Showtime’s Dexter.

I did find the ending a bit confusing and I have to ding it for that. I think it’s also that the two main detectives looked so much alike.

Other than that this is torture porn for true aficionados of the genre. As for the rest of us, skip the popcorn.

THREE BALL POINT PENS.

BEE MOVIE

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:33:11 -0600

Running Tim: 1 hr. 30 min.

Rating: PG – Mild, suggestive humor

Cast: Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellwegger, Chris Rock, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, Oprah Winfrey, Rip Torn, Kathy Bates, Patrick Warburton

Director: Stephen Hickner and Simon J. Smith

Genre: Animated, Family, Comedy

I so did not want to see Bee Movie. Going in, taking Chloe, Max and their two friends I expected this more to be the “ZZZZZZZ” movie. As in snore.

Man was I wrong.

Bee Movie is a smart, witty and actually laugh out loud movie for the entire family.

It tells the story of Barry B. Benson - a bee - who has just graduated from college and is looking forward to a life-long commitment as a worker bee in the hive. Well, this scares the be Jesus out of Barry, who feels like there is more to the world than just working in the hive. So Barry works his way into the hotshot group of the hive – the pollinators. These bees are the buff, tops guns of the hive. They decide to take Barry on a mission with them to pollinate. Of course that goes away during a hilarious scene at a tennis court where they mistake balls for a new kind of flower.

Barry is caught in a volley between Vanessa (voiced by Renee Zellwegger) and her obnoxious boy (voiced by). Barry flies off the ball and goes on a fun set piece, where he is first caught in traffic, then a car engine, then the car and back out onto the street – only to be caught in a rainstorm. Well, bees can’t fly in rain. So Barry ends up at Vanessa Bloome’s apartment, where she saves his life from her boyfriend, Ken.

Barry, in true Seinfeld fashion, feels compelled to break the ultimate hive rule (don’t talk to humans) and thank Vanessa for saving his life…thus revealing he can speak. From there, Vanessa and Barry become friends for life. She learns about bee life and Barry learns about human life like Cinnabon and Ray Liotta Honey.

Yes Ray Liotta honey.

On a trip to the supermarket, Barry is appalled by the overstocked shelves of honey. And in an unexpected turn of events that I have come to expect from movies like these, he decides to sue all of the honey companies. Bees vs. The world contains some hilarious courtroom work, especially by rotund lawyer Layton T. Montgomery in a hilarious turn by John Goodman.

The movie takes another turn after Barry wins the case, to inject some timely messages. I was reminded of Happy Feet how it went from fitting in to an ecological message. Directors, Stephen Hickner and Simon J. Smith, show how important a role bees play in the world.

There is something for everyone in Bee Movie. The Seinfeld humor is there. Loved when his parents were asking whether the new girl he met is “Beeish.” The relationship between Vanessa and Barry is actually a sweet one. He fills a void that her boyfriend Ken (voiced by Patrick Warburton) can’t seem to fill.

No, not that void. He is a bee afterall.

I particularly loved the send-up of The Graduate. And unlike Dreamworks other tentpole animated giant, Shrek, this is wrought with pop culture references. They are there, but they actually aren’t there for filler. They mean something. And there are amusing cameos by Sting, Larry King and Ray Liotta.

So take a Sunday afternoon and go see Bee Movie. Here, I would say it is an A Movie.

THREE AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS.

The Game Plan

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 09:47:13 -0600

Running Time: 1 hr. 50 min.

Rating: PG - some mild thematic elements

Cast: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Madison Pettis, Kyra Sedgwick, Roselyn Sanchez, Morris Chestnut

Director: Andy Fickman

Genre: Comedy, Sports Comedy, Family-Oriented Comedy

Shit it got me.

The acting was on par with The Pacifier. I saw the plot twists coming a million miles away.

And, damn, if I didn’t start tearing up at the end of The Game Plan.

Yes it got me. And it will probably get you.

That says a lot for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and actress Madison Pettis. They are just so enjoyable to watch on screen together.

The Game Plan tells the story of Joe “Never Say No” Kingman who is a tough, future hall-of-famer lacking a championship ring. Turns out, Joe is a selfish quarterback, opting to run the ball into the end zone himself, rather than throwing it to open receiver Morris Chestnut. Joe, an avid Elvis collector, is just as selfish in his personal life – living in an ultra-expensive apartment with wall-sized photos of himself and furniture that is there for show, not to be sat on. Bring on the next endorsement deal!

It’s not clear that even Joe’s teammates like him that much – he gives Morris Chestnut, a family man, grief when he leaves Joe’s party to go spend it with his fam. Joe makes a remark about his man card being revoked, which clearly bothers Chestnut. Little does Joe realize but his players card is about to go the same way.

Life changes for Joe when he gets a call from the doorman downstairs. Apparently there is a cute girl ready to come up and see Joe.

His daughter, Peyton. The one he never knew about.

She tells Joe that her mother went to Africa for a month and that she has to stay with him. Of course Joe calls a “foul,” bringing in his bitchy agent played by an overly “bitchy” Kyra Sedgwick to handle the situation.

Of course there is nothing Kyra can do…if there were, that would be the end of the movie.

So we follow Joe, as he now has to juggle his party lifestyle and career with Peyton’s life struggles such as ballet, bedtime stories and dolls.

As Joe nears closer to the big game, he learns that winning isn’t accomplished just with toughness and determination. You also need to display selflessness and patience. Eventually you will really win the hearts of your fans, teammates and most importantly, your daughter.

Overall, I was mildly amused at Joe and Peyton’s interaction, particularly the “bedazzling” of Joe’s MVP football. I think Chloe and Max, my daughters, liked the over-the-top, sequences. The Rock is absolutely enjoyable to watch (my review for Southland Tales is coming). And I like that he is stretching.

However, I feel like a movie such as this should get made after his action hits are starting to sputter. I’m still waiting for those. I also liked, and I don’t know if the audience even realized this, that we were watching a bi-racial relationship unfold on screen. In fact, I applaud it.

So bottom line, The Game Plan breaks absolutely no new ground, but because of The Rock and Madison Pettis, it is a nice light-hearted experience at the movies.

That will get you.

Damn, pass me a Kleenex.

TWO AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS

American Gangster

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:20:56 -0500

Running Tim: 2 hr. 37 min.

Rating: R - violence, pervasive drug content and language, nudity and sexuality

Cast: Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Josh Brolin

Director: Ridley Scott

Genre: Crime Drama, Crime

Well let’s call it, “a triple.”

The first time Russell Crowe teamed with director Ridley Scott for Gladiator. It wasn’t just a homerun it was a grand slam. The second time they teamed up, the two produced A Good Year, which was, well, two called strikes and a swinging strike.

We’ll keep American Gangster as a triple with Russell rounding third, but called back.

While not perfect, American Gangster is extremely entertaining fare, with both Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe in top form. Expect acting nominations for both of them when award season hits.

AG tells the true story of Frank Lucas, a former chauffeur for Bumpy Johnson (played by uncredited Clarence Williams III) who rises to power after Bumpy dies early in the first act. Russell Crowe plays Richie Roberts, a cop too honest for his own good. Early on, when Richie and his partner find a bookie’s car filled with unmarked bills, Richie alienates his fellow cops by turning all of the money in.

AG follows the two (who never appear on screen together until the very end) as they rise to the top. Denzel is mesmerizing as Frank, in his mind a shrewd business and family man, but to the rest of the world psychotic and successful. He will sit down to family dinner one minute and blow your brains out on a Harlem corner the next.

With success comes jealousy – in the form of other African American mobsters (played by Cuba Gooding Jr, who is trying to salvage his career here) and more importantly, the Italian families. They don’t like Frank, but they realize they must do business with him in order to survive - Frank’s heroin is better and cheaper than the heroin they are selling.

Richie has to deal with being ostracized as well – by his wife (played by the always hot Carla Gugino, god she has great boobs) and the other policemen who don’t trust Richie for turning in that money. But his honesty does lead to the Captain promoting him to run a drug enforcement department that only deals with the big arrests.

I had more fun watching Washington, whose performance ranged from a subdued, to loving to over the top gangsta! Watch the way he pours too much sugar into his coffee or how utters the phrase, “my man.” I always felt Frank was a rattlesnake, ready to spring. I also liked how he played Frank with a certain amount of arrogance – he’s a black man trying to make it in an Italian man’s world.

I didn’t find Russell Crowe as interesting. Don’t get me wrong I liked Richie. And I liked how Crowe played him holier than thou only to have the truth revealed about himself by his wife. Maybe it’s him trying to carry off a Jersey accent. I don’t know.

The supporting cast is unbelievably good. Ruby Dee, as Frank’s mother is quite good…especially the speech she gives Frank near the end. She knows what Frank does but doesn’t want to admit it. Josh Brolin is also top notch as a sleazy cop. I particularly liked Chiwetel Ejiofor as Frank’s brother, Huey. He loves Frank. Frank loves him. But that doesn’t stop him from being absolutely terrified of Frank. And Armand Assante is also very good as a fellow mob boss.

So I whole-heartedly recommend American Gangster. It’s not the best it could be, but it’s darn close.

A triple!

FOUR BALL POINT PENS.

MICHAEL CLAYTON

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 12:04:26 -0500

RUNNING TIME: 2 hr.

RATING: R - language including some sexual dialogue

CAST: George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Tilda Swinton, Sydney Pollack, Michael O'Keefe

DIRECTOR: Tony Gilroy

GENRE: Thriller, Paranoid Thriller

Tony Gilroy’s Michael Clayton is what we need more of – good movies that draw you in from the first credit and stay with you long after you’ve left the theater.

Michael Clayton (George Clooney) is a “fixer” at a huge law firm in New York. What Harvey Keitel did illegally in Pulp Fiction, Michael does and gets paid for it. Legally. Sort of. A former prosecutor, he is broke from a restaurant failure, in debt to a bookie, has a drugged out brother who steals from his sister and a son who tries to bond with him but never quite succeeds.

He’s 45 with no hope and just coasting along, robotically fixing others’ dirty secrets and problems. He’s burned out, wants out but has no way out.

On the other side of the country, in-house chief counsel Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton) is a rising star at multi-billion dollar agrochemical company U/North. Her meteoric rises however rests on a settlement suit that Clayton’s law firm is leading to a successful conclusion.

Well, until the firm’s top litigator, Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson) has a breakdown during a deposition and takes his clothes off.

When Arthur decides to sabotage the case, Marty Bach (the always great Sydney Pollack) sends in Michael to stop him before the case becomes a disaster. As Michael gets deeply involved, he comes face-to-face with who he is. And he doesn't like what he sees.

Tony Gilroy knows how to make highly intelligent thrillers that are rousing crowd pleasers. The writer of one of my favorite movies of the year – The Bourne Ultimatum, Gilroy has crafted what will probably end up on my geeky top ten list. There are no cheap thrills or ridiculous twists here. It almost feels a like a throwback to the thrillers from the 70s.

George Clooney is so so good and deserves a nomination for this role. George, you are forgiven for Batman and Robin. This is a slam-dunk performance. Stay through the end credits (I’m not giving anything away here) to watch his face as the credits flash on next to him. He’s a hero but he is a battered hero. But he gets his wish - he’s out. Or is he. There’s a scene early on where he stops to look at three horses. What a magnificent silent performance.

Tilda Swinton (who I have never seen in anything) as Karen Crowder plays corporate America to a tee, down to her slight paunch that she is trying to lose in the movie. She is scared and tough simultaneously and ultimately foolish in the choices she makes. I love how she carefully prepares for each meeting and speech. She tries to come off so strong where she is just a scared child.

And then there is Tom Wilkinson. He is an amazing actor. Is his Arthur crazy or just been driven to insanity by witnessing what he has become? We’re not quite sure but we are rooting for him.

The supporting cast, including Pollack, Ken Howard and Michael O’Keefe is top notch.

This is a movie about trying to atone for one’s sins. Sometimes we can. Sometimes it’s too late. I really didn’t want this movie to end.

FIVE BALL POINT PENS.

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 18:47:04 -0500

RUNNING TIME1 hr. 35 min.

RATING: R - strong horror violence throughout and some nudity

CAST: Milla Jovovich, Oded Fehr, Ali Larter, Iain Glen, Ashanti, Mike Epps

DIRECTOR: Russell Mulcahy

GENRE: Horror, Sci-Fi Horror

Have you ever taken a dump that just made you stand back – yes we all look – and say, “My god what a magnificent dump!”

That is Resident Evil: Extinction.

This is one big smelly good-looking piece of shit. Before I get into the trivial plot, let me just say I am not as hard on Paul W.S. Anderson as other fellow geeks. I thought his Event Horizon, although derivative of other horror movies was a helluva fun scary ride. I, quite frankly, even like the first couple of Resident Evils. Especially the first one. And although Alien vs. Predators is terrible, is it any worse than Alien 4 or Alien 3?

He is a B-movie director that must turn some sort of profit for the studios. Otherwise he wouldn’t be working.

Or banging his wife, Milla Jovovich.

So let’s start this review with her. For the second sequel to Resident Evil, director Russell Mulcahy, tries to give her Alice a “Mad Max” type look. She is worn, weathered and tired. Problem is MJ looks like she is more tired of getting strapped into a harness kicking CGI zombie dogs’ ass than a battered character.

Resident Evil: Extinction takes place years after the first sequel. I do give the producers kudos for trying to make the three stories linear. There are flashbacks to the first movie as well as second. The T-Virus has spread throughout Earth, basically killing the planet. Zombies munch and kill everywhere. All thanks to the nefarious Umbrella Corporation. I wonder if Office Max where I’m freelancing is capable of this? Hmm. Sorry I digress.

While Alice roams the desert killing off zombies. The Umbrella Corporation has been busy beavers underground in a desert facility that is fenced in and surrounded by hundred so of zombies. They have discovered Alice’s blood may hold the curing to returning Earth to normal. So of course they clone Alice, again and again and again.

Sheesh you would’ve thunk they learned their lesson after Sigourney Weaver was cloned in Alien 4.

Well there’s also a convoy of survivors led by Heroes' Ali Larter, Oded Fehr, Mike Epps and Ashanti. They carry with them in a school bus, a load of children.

You know what’s going to happen…eventually they will get whittled down and Alice will come in and save the day.

The problem for me with RE is it so computer generated. The sets. I guess I’m tired of the CGI zombie dogs. The zombies look bored eating humans. It’s a really boring movie.

AND OF ALL THE CLICHES ANDERSON AND COMPANY TOOK FROM OTHER HORROR MOVIES…WHO DO THEY KILL OFF FIRST!?!

MIKE EPPS AND ASHANTI.

Haven’t we gotten beyond killing off the black people first in horror movies? Come on. I did think a zombie vulture attack was pretty inspired. And there is a funny scene where the mad scientists try to rehabilitate a zombie.

But all in all, this movie sucks. I wish a zombie would come and eat Paul Anderson and company. Time to flush the toilet on this piece of shit.

ONE BALL POINT PEN.

3:10 To Yuma

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 16:25:25 -0500

RUNNING TIME: 1 hr. 57 min.

RATING: R - violence and some language

CAST: Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, Peter Fonda, Gretchen Mol, Ben Foster

DIRECTOR: James Mangold

GENRE: Western, Outlaw (Gunfighter) Film, Psychological Western

So who wins Batman or Gladiator!?!

I can’t tell you that. That would be spoiling. Ha.

Yes I just sat through 3:10 To Yuma.

This is a remake of a 1950-something Glenn Ford actioneer. Batman, I mean Christian Bale, takes on the Ford role of Arizona rancher, Dan Evans, facing eviction from his land by an unscrupulous land owner...who happens to be more interested in taking back the land so he can sell it to the railroad.

Gladiator, I mean Russell Crowe, plays bank robber Ben Wade, who has taken at least $400,000 from the Southern Pacific (owned by Chicago; inside joke) over 22 robberies of stagecoaches.

Ben is the head of a gang of some of the most ruthless thugs to grace the west.

Dan is the head of a family straight out of Little House on the Prairie. Besides holding onto his land, Dan has to deal with having only one leg (lost during the Civil War) and a son, ROBIN (no not his real name but every Batman needs one), actually his son played by Logan Lerman (who looks like a young Josh Hartnett), who thinks his dad is well, a loser. And at 14 who of us didn’t think that – dad’s making sacrifices for the family.

All is going pretty shitty for Dan and his family, until one day things, get well, shittier. Dan’s barn is set on fire, his cattle are stolen and he runs into Ben Wade and company in the middle of robbing a stagecoach.

Might be time to go back to bed.

But Dan having been a soldier in the Civil War doesn’t back down from Ben. He wants his cattle back. Ben takes a liking to Dan and gives them back. Plus dude has just robbed a stagecoach. As Ben rides off into the sunset, Dan discovers a grizzly bounty hunter, played by Peter Fonda, who was injured during the robbery.

So Dan drags him to town. Now that is a man. I mean Batman.

Peter Fonda actually has one of the films’ great lines while he lies on the operating table.

While in town, Dan decided to confront the evil landowner, who just brushes him off. Desperate – he’s going to lose his land in a week – Dan sees another opportunity – Ben is banging a hot barmaid.

God I love western whores! Who doesn’t?

Dan has a showdown with Ben in the bar. Ben, again, takes a liking to Dan. But this time Dan won’t be charmed. He waits there until Ben is arrested.

It’s determined that Ben is going to Yuma Prison to be hanged. Now who would be crazy enough – with Ben’s gang still out and about – to escort him to the train?

Batman!

3:10 To Yuma becomes an exciting journey, in the old fashioned western sense as Dan, his son, Peter Fonda and a couple other guys you know are going to die escort Ben to the train.

This is a movie about desperation. How far will a father go to save his family? Perhaps even risk his life. How many dads actually do that everyday? It really makes you think about the job description of fatherhood. Ben is also father to his gang. His son, figuratively, is played by Ben Foster. He does a great turn as a vicious, well-dressed and very gay killer, Charlie Prince. In both cases, Dan and Charlie are actually trying to keep their families together. However one is going to gain respect from the son as a father, one is going to lose it.

One gripe, besides the lack of boobage from the western whore, I didn’t like the bonding moment between Crowe and Bale. But that’s minor. There is so much to like in 3:10 to Yuma. Bale is such a good actor. He really becomes the character he’s playing. After watching him in this, Batman, The Machinist and The Prestige, I have so much respect for him as an actor. And of course, Crowe is just an old pro. He is Hollywood. Although it’s even hard to hate him as a villain. He is really likable on screen.

And director, James Mangold has figured out how to use Luke Wilson properly. In three minute bits on screen.

The cinematography is phenomenal. The music is insane and the screenplay by Michael Brandt, Derek Haas, and Halsted Welles is tight.

Why couldn’t they have just written in some boobage from the western whore!?!

FOUR BALL POINT PENS.

Superbad

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 07:57:17 -0500

RUNNING TIME: 1 hr. 54 min.

RATED: R - crude and sexual content, language, drinking, drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image

CAST: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Bill Hader, Seth Rogen

DIRECTOR: Greg Mottola

GENRE: Teen Movie, Sex Comedy, Buddy Film, Comedy

Yeah, yeah I know this is insanely late, but I have kids and now I’m freelancing on a different planet known as Naperville. That’s a story unto itself. But the good news (at least for me and my 3 readers, is that I am back in the saddle).

And ready to review.

Uh, even the late ones.

First up, Superbad. Superbad is supergood! – Rex Reed would be proud of that line I think.

From the moment the old Columbia Pictures logo fades up and old super funk group the Bar Kays hits it with the song, Too Hot to Stop, along with dancing silhouettes of main characters Seth (Jonah Hill) and Evan (Michael Cera), I was sucked in.

Superbad tells the story of high school teens and life-long best friends, Seth (an overweight, loud, horny Jewish kid) and Evan, smart, nerdy, quiet and just as horny. Nearing the end of their high school career, both are seeking to move on to the next level – getting laid. In fact, not since Stiffler and Jason Biggs had sex with a pie in American Pie have I seen two hornier characters. How horny? Seth looking at Evan’s mom before they drive off to school.

SETH: Dude I am jealous that you got to suck on your those tits.

EVAN: Yeah I guess it’s better than sucking your dad’s dick.

The problem is Seth and Evan and their annoying friend Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) are never invited to parties…never get to hang with the cool girls and guys.

They’re geeks. And I can relate, because I wasn’t always the cool suave guy you know today. I was Seth and Evan.

Evan is a attracted to a girl, Becca, played by Martha MacIssac, but doesn’t know how to talk to her. And Seth has a hard-on, literally, for a hot chick, Jules, played by Emma Stone. When Jules tells Seth she’s throwing a party and needs booze, Seth volunteers. Of course he and Evan can’t get booze – they’re teens. Enter Fogell, who has a fake ID. His new name, McLovin’. From Hawaii! Ha. I need to see the movie again just to hear the guys’ reaction to his name. I was laughing too hard the first time.

Seth and Evan reluctantly put their trust in McLovin’ and go to the liquor store. And that’s where it gets bananas. There’s a robbery while McLovin’ is buying the booze and next thing you know he’s off and running with two crazy cops played by Seth Rogan (also the writer) and Bill Hader. Meanwhile Seth and Evan are off on their own adventures at various parties, still trying to get booze. Kind of like how all the characters split in The Empire Strikes Back.

The night becomes one night of overcoming one hurdle after another to get the booze and get to the girls of their dreams.

For all its sex jokes and outrageous humor, there is a certain sweetness to Superbad. It is about friendship and what it means. And, quite frankly, the anxiety of leaving it behind…for college or a girlfriend. The people behind The Forty-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up – Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan and Greg Mottola – have become experts at creating outrageously funny stuff while somehow weaving in deep meaning underneath. The last shot of the movie (which I won’t spoil) sums it up. It is poignant, sweet and sour. And scary.

But isn’t that what high school was for all of us?

FOUR BALL POINT PENS

Underdog

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:02:02 -0500

Run Time: 1 hr. 24 min.

Rating: PG - rude humor, mild language and action

Cast: Jason Lee, James Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, Alex Neuberger

Director: Frederick Du Chau

Genre: Adventure Comedy, Comic-Book Superhero Film, Comedy, Children's/Family

Well, you gotta give Hollywood an A for effort. Rather than come up with new material, they continue to mine “Nerdapolis” for movies. Where is Nerdapolis? In 30 to 40 something-year-old’s hearts. It’s a place in our past that warms our very souls - where we existed as children and every time we turned on the tube something magical would find a place in our memories. After school, it was Ultra Man or Space Giants. And yes Underdog. The memories always remain fuzzy and warm. Until Hollywood decides to make a movie of it…

And fuck it up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Underdog.

Now has anyone really taken a hard look at the old Underdog cartoon? I have. And believe me I loooooooooooved Underdog when I was a kid. However, look at it today and it’s a different story. Almost painful to watch.

So of course it naturally must be made into a movie. Good lord.

Underdog tells the story of an orphaned police beagle (they let them on the squad?) who is taken in by former cop James Belushi (I think he owes AT&T $ for phoning this one in) and his teen son played by Alex Neuberger. He licks Belushi’s shoe, so of course he names him Shoe Shine Boy.

Shoe Shine Boy has a lot of baggage to carry. His last case as a police dog was a royal failure when he thought he smelled a bomb…but it turned out to be a ham. Of course a ham. With the German Shepherds laughing at him, Shoe Shine runs away – only to be captured by the evil, sinister Dr. Simon Barsinister (Peter “I used to Sprint to phone mine in) and his stoolie (Patrick Warburton). Just when Shoe Shine is about to be subjected to sinister experiments, he escapes, but not before having his DNA altered.

So of course let the checklist begin: Taken in by dad and son? Check. Son doesn’t like Shoe Shine at first? Check? Big set piece where Shoe Shine discovers his powers? Check. Yawn, big fight at end? Check. Although I must say the big finale showdown was lame.

Frederick Du Chau (director of the much cuter Racing Stripes) turns in a mercifully short 84-minute movie that is just boooooooring. Jason Lee, voicing Underdog, sounds bored as do the rest of the cast. There is no chemistry between Jack and the beagle. Instead of taking the kids to see this, take them outside with a real dog.

For every Transformers, there is Rocky and Bullwinkle, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, my beloved Lost in Space, Bewitched. The list goes on. Underdog should’ve been either made as an animated feature, with a smart satirical look at life or just left alone…to exist in that warm town, fondly known as “Nerdapolis.”

As for the DVD extras, there are three more painful scenes to watch...introduced by Frederick Du Chau. And a music video by Cory in The House.

Movie: One woof. I mean One and one half ballpoint pens.

DVD Extras: Two Ball Point Pens.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 15:48:48 -0500

Run Time: 1 hr. 51 min.

Rating: PG-13 - violence and intense sequences of action

Cast: Matt Damon, Julia Stiles, David Strathairn, Glenn Scott, Paddy Considine, Edgar Ramirez, Albert Finney, Joan Allen

Director: Paul Greengrass

Genre: Action Thriller, Action, Unglamorized Spy Film

Dang.

Matt Damon is not an action hero. Matt Damon is not an action hero. I keep trying to tell myself that. Even Paul Rudd called him a “Streisand” in the 40-Year-Old Virgin. Dang. He really is an action hero, though. He kicks major ass. The only other Jason I know of that can go through death-defying feats and still live to open a can of whup ass wears a hockey mask.

Dang.

For anyone who has been on Mars the last five years, Matt Damon’s signature role has been that of Jason Bourne – a man searching for his identity. Standing in the way of that search are various assassins (assets as they are called by the mysterious company, Treadstone) sent to kill him.

When we last left Jason off, he was attempting to atone for the entire killing he's done, leading him to a showdown in Moscow. He warned Bureau director, Pam Landy (excellent and kinda still hot) Joan Allen) to not search for him. Or he would bring it to them.

They did. And he does.

The Bourne Ultimatum begins with Jason living in Italy and still mourning his girlfriend Marie. He comes across a series of articles written by a British journalist played by Paddy Considine. Turns out, he has a source who knows all about Bourne, the mysterious Treadstone and a project called Black Briar.

This gets the attention of CIA directors Scott Glenn and David Stratham. And the chase is on – one spectacular rollercoaster fight that leaves you saying…

Dang.

Besides the fighting, I really enjoy the themes director Paul Greengrass and writers, Tony Gilroy, Scott Z. Burns and George Nolfi put out there in a post 9/11 world, especially with what is going on in the US politically today. They really pose the questions are we justified using alternative methods for interrogating and how far we should really take these methods.

But back to the action. Paul Greengrass just kicks major ass in setting up chase scenes. Just when he has raised the bar for car chases, he brings to a whole new level with Vespas…jumping not from rooftop to rooftop, but from one building window to another and another….

In a summer of three-quels, this is by far the best one - Julia Stiles, as Nicky Parsons, actually gets to do a lot more than sit on a chair, wearing a headset - and the best of the Bourne series. I hope there’s a fourth.

Dang.

Five Ball Point Pens.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 09:59:08 -0500

Run Time: 2 hr. 18 min.

Rating: PG-13 - sequences of fantasy violence and frightening images

Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Helena Bonham Carter, Ralph Fiennes, Robbie Coltrane, Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, Michael Gambon, Imelda Staunton

Director: David Yates

Genre: Fantasy Adventure, Fantasy

Wow Harry’s pissed. I’ve never seen the BMOH (that’s Big Man on Hogwarts) angry before. But he certainly has a right.

No one believes him that “the unmentionable” Voldemort is back and ready to get down terrorizing the little witches and warlocks. And, gasp, Harry actually used his magic outside of school.

In front of Muggles.

The world is falling apart. Ha.

Now I have to admit, I do like the Harry Potter series. When it’s all said and done, it might be a better series than Star Wars - GL did kind of screw us on the first three.

Honestly, I was not really looking forward to the new Harry. I don’t know if I’ve grown tired of the series - this now being a “five-quel.” Or I have seen so many movies this summer that I’m worn out. Bottom line, I wasn’t in a hurry to rush out and see this one like Spider-man 3 or Transformers.

Man was I wrong.

In a summer of sequels, this may be the second best one. I hear, Bourne is the bestest. We’ll see this weekend. But HPATOP is more than just Harry’s usual Hogwarts’ adventure.

It’s a character study and a real coming of age movie.

Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is back for year Five. But he’s still mourning (and blaming himself) for the death of his friend, Cedric, in Goblet of Fire. The wizarding community - led by the Minister of Magi Cornelius Fudge - scoffs at the idea that Lord Voldemort is back and is actually fearful that Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) is forming an army. Fudge appoints Professor Delores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton) to the post of Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. Yet she doesn’t seem to want to teach the spells. Instead, she busies herself with collecting information to get Dumbledore fired.

Which, of course she does.

Her actions leave the kids vulnerable. So Harry – convinced by Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint) – follows in his parents and Sirius Black’s footsteps and form the new Justice League, I’m sorry Order of the Phoenix. Little geek humor there.

They finish training just in time - when Dumbledore leaves, Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) and his minions (including a lust favorite of mine, Helena Bonham Carter) arrive to wreck havoc on Harry and co.

What can I say? The effects are terrific. It’s scary…especially the opening sequence with the bezerkers. And, I know Chris Columbus gets a lot grief for the first two movies (which I personally enjoyed) but he should get a lot of credit for assembling Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson. These kids are the real deal and growing into their roles. As for the rest of the cast, it’s like watching Masterpiece Theater. This is the best collection of British actors you will ever see on film.

For the final kicker, see it in IMAX 3 –D. It’s magical. Ooh bad pun!

FIVE BALL POINT PENS

Hairspray

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 09:51:36 -0500

Run Time: 1 hr. 47 min.

Rating: PG - For language, some suggestive content and momentary teen smoking.

Cast: John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Amanda Bynes, James Marsden, Queen Latifah, Brittany Snow, Zac Efron, Nikki Blonsky

Director: Adam Shankman

Genre: Comedy, Musical

Somewhere inside of me I think there is a gay man residing. HOLD ON! I HAVE NO DESIRE FOR THE TOUCH OF A MAN OR THE SIGHT OF A PENIS OTHER THAN MY OWN.

I love women. Boobs. Legs…the whole nine yards.

But I do also happen to like a good musical! I even collect soundtracks and showtunes. There, it’s out in the open.

And I admit I have a soft spot for Hair Spray. The Broadway show producer, Adam Epstein, was the first of many to option my horror script, Bedbugs. So when I heard the show – which I was at the premiere of the Broadway version – was being turned into a feature, I couldn’t wait.

I did become slightly skeptical when I heard John Travolta was going to don the fat suit as Edna Turnblad, played in the first film by John Waters favorite - Divine and then on stage by Harvey Fierstein.

But I still couldn’t wait to see it.

And I was right. In a summer of Spider-man 3, Transformers, Die Hard and Harry Potter - not to mention Bourne and Shrek – my favorite geek movie might actually be the story of fat girl in Baltimore trying to break the color barrier.

From the moment Tracy Turnblad (newcomer Nikki Blonsky) throws off the blanket in bedroom, singing “Good Morning Baltimore, “ we know we are in for a bouncy, fun romp. John Waters has a great cameo here as well.

And the romp never stops. Everybody in the cast is top notch. The number, “You’re Timeless to Me” sung by Christopher Walken and John Travolta is outstanding. And like I said I was skeptical about Travolta in a fat suit (did he really need one? Ha!), but I do buy him as Edna. The big number “Welcome to the 60’s” is – sung by he and Blonsky - sweet and engaging. And he can dance his ass off as a fat woman!

Queen Latifah rocks the shiznit with “Big, Blonde and Beautiful” as well. James Marsden, Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron are all really good, too. If you have little girls like I do, then they will be screaming over Zac Effron, better known from his High School Musical movies. If you don’t have kids, don’t even ask what High School Musical is.

So all in all, I don’t think you’ll have a better time at the movies. Nikki Blonsky should get lots of roles and, hopefully, a few nominations out of this. And damn, Amanda Bynes is tall and hot! And the final number, “You Can’t Stop the Beat” is infectious…aw hell it kicks the door in and brings down the house!

One complaint – two of my favorite songs from the show that I couldn’t wait to see on film – “Mama I’m a Big Girl Now” and “The Big Dollhouse” – were omitted. What the hell, producers!?! Oh I just answered my own question…producers!

Ha.

Pardon me now, while I go watch something manly, with lots of scantily clad girls in it.

FIVE BALL POINT PENS

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 09:40:33 -0500

Run Time: 1 hr. 27 min.

Rating: PG-13 - For language, some suggestive content, mild drug use and brief nudity.

Cast: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Harry Shearer

Hank Azaria, Joe Mantegna, Albert Brooks

Director: David Silverman

Genre: Comedy, Animated

Spider-pig

Does whatever a spider-pig does

Can he swing

From a thread

Because he’s a pig

Lookout

Here comes the spider-pig!

If seeing Homer walking a muddy pig across the ceiling singing that isn’t enough incentive for seeing The Simpsons Movie, how about it is smart, funny as hell and endearing? Yes I said, “endearing.”

Strip away all the visual gags, drug references, the insanely smart pokes at society and what you have is a story about family love. And bonding together. Homer may be the biggest dough-nut eating dolt to ever hit the screen, but when he needs his family, they rush to him. Led of course, by Marge.

The Simpsons Movie is like a long episode – it even has a moment where the screen goes black at a pivotal point and says, “to be continued.” After a few seconds, the word, “ immediately” fades up.

The jokes and gags come fast and furious.

As for the story, well, Homer screws up and Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie have to pull his sorry ass out of trouble. Homer’s actions leads President Schwarzenagger to make a pivotal decision about Springfield’s future. And that’s about it.

Except for Spider-Pig!

Oh I’m sorry, now he’s Harry Plopper.

Now major spoiler alert! Turn away now if you don’t want to know.

Maggie speaks. I won’t say when or where, but she speaks.

THREE AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:58:47 -0500

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:57:04 -0500

So I just finished looking at the 3-disc DVD set of FF: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Fantastic Four really plays more like an episode of a TV series than a movie. And I was right as I watched it on our bedroom TV. This isn’t a grand movie series. It’s a very good TV series playing on the largest of screens.

The plot (oh yeah that) is the Silver Surfer (played by Doug Jones and voiced by Lawrence Fishbourne) who goes from planet to planet preparing them to be eaten by his master Galactus (which appears as a giant storm cloud, but if you look closely you can see there is something mechanical and malevolent in there). Do you really want to see a giant with a purple helmet? So of course he comes to earth to deal with Reed (played by Ioan Gruffudd) his soon-to-be-wife Sue Storm (Jessica Alba), The Thing (Michael Chiklis) and The Human Torch (Chris Evans).

There's not much more to it than that. Oh there is Dr. Doom. who shows up for a little while. played by Julian McMahon. I must say he is HORRIBLE. I said earlier that he might take my Cuba Gooding award. But after seeing Daddy Day Camp, it’s all Cuba’s. Again.What the hell? Leave his mask on. I rather look at Dr. Doom than some guy who is playing a Prada baddie.

Okay I'm off of my soapbox. Look, Fantastic Four is nothing more than it is trying to be - a fluffy, quick popcorn movie. And it delivers. Plus Jessica Alba loses her clothes...again. Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans shine as The Thing and Torch respectively. Their bickering is fun. And I feel like the four have chemistry. I do wish they could figure out a rockier version for The Thing. And will someone tell these actors (yes Toby Macguire, too) that we are going to see the characters they play, not them. In all the viewings I saw of FF cartoons, I can't remember ever seeing The Thing as Ben Grimm. What the hell!?! Ioan Gruffudd is fine as Reed. And the Fantastic Car is dope.

Oh and the Silver Surfer is like wow. Yeah the four deserved this. The chase between Johnny and the SS is off the chains. The fx are hot. The subplots are funny. And they globe hop. And yes Jessica Alba loses her clothes. And the flick is 87 minutes. What's to hate?

The DVD is chock full of goodies from production diaries to behind the scenes magic. I really dug the history of the Silver Surfer and the making of the Fantastic Car. The special Circuit City DVD also contains fun production diaries from the crew. It’s well worth the 21.99 I paid for it.

MOVIE: THREE AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS

DVD EXTRAS: FIVE BALL POINT PENS

OTHER JESSICA ALBA MOVIES WORTH NOTING: Sin City, Fantastic Four, Good Luck Chuck

OTHER MICHAEL CHIKLIS MOVIES/PROJECTS: The Shield

OTHER DOUG JONES PROJECTS: Hell Boy, Pan’s Labyrinth

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 20:03:29 -0500

Hello, My name is Bruce and I'm here to kick your ass.

John McClane is a timex living in a digital world. Not my words. That would be courtesy of Timothy Olyphant as cyber villain Thomas Gabriel.

It has been 12 years since Bruce Willis brought John McClane to the screen in Die Hard with a Vengeance. He said it would be the last time out. Just like Sly said he was done with Rocky (well I loved Rocky 6 last year) and Rambo (which comes out next year). I was not one of the people that hated (and there were many) Die Hard with a Vengeance. I thought it was okay. Basically it suffered from the curse of second sequelitis. But it was not Batman and Robin or Alien Resurrection. And it did have Sam Jackson and Jeremy Irons chewing up the scenery. And hell there was that hot blonde kicking ass as well.

When I heard LFDH was being made, I had about the same level of excitement that hit me when Sly said he was making Rocky Balboa. There I was pleasantly surprised and moved. Here I wasn't too sure what I was getting into.

See Bruce Willis has done so much since Vengeance. I has done so many character pieces (The Astronaut Farmer) and stood out in so many others (Sin City, Grindhouse, Unbreakable and Sixth Sense). I even liked him voicing last year's Over the Hedge. But, truth be told, dude needs a hit with his name above the marquee. Not another 16 Blocks (which I did like) or that piece of shit, Perfect Stranger (with Hit and Run Halle).

The reason John McClane works as a character is because he is truly the everyman. He's not superman. He's a regular guy caught in the wrong place. He's not like his knock off character Jack Bauer who willingly goes out and saves the world. John is the reluctant hero...and ultimately in the original Die Hard (voted Entertainment Weekly's best action film of all time) and even Die Harder, he's a family man out protecting his fam.

In the first two movies it was his wife Holly, played by Bonnie Bedelia. I think that's what was missing from Vengeance. John had nothing personal at stake. And now we have his daughter, Lucy played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

Plus I want Bruce to win. I met him two years ago at an LA hotel. He was with Brooke Burke. I was hanging with friends ( of course lots of chicks) And he called me a handsome devil. And a lucky one to be surrounded by these lovely women. Thank you Bruce.

So you see I wanted him to kick it with LFDH.

Does he?

Yippee Kay Yay Mother Fucker!

LFDH is by no means perfect. The plot involving cyber-terrorists, felt spun off from 24. And at first, I wasn't feeling Justin Long (the Mac Guy) as McClane's side kick, computer hacker Matt Farrell. But he did grow on me. There were times I would look at Bruce/John on the screen and see McClane from the first Die Hard. Then there were other times, it felt like Bruce lost his footing... Timothy Olyphant is no Hans Grueber (Alan Richter). And where is the limo driver Argyle when you need him?

But at the end of the day, I judge a Die Hard film by the amount of times I say, "oh fuck and oh shit." Director Len Wiseman (the Underworld movies) delivers. I say, "Oh fuck and oh shit" more than enough times to recommend this film. LFDH is an good old fashioned ass kicking film. Something we don't get anymore. Just as in last week's 1408, it's kind of a throwback. And in this case it's a welcome throwback. The elevator sequence involving McClane and hot baddie, Mai Lin, played by Maggie Q, is top notch. So is the final set piece involving a semi-rig, a highway and a F-35.

And finally, Die Hard comes down to Bruce Willis. He may be my favorite all around actor right now. He does for me what Roy Scheider did in the 70s and 80s ( I just was watching Blue Thunder at the gym). Bruce can deliver a punch just as well as he can show sadness that he is divorced from Holly and he is estranged from his daughter, Lucy,

So I would say, give Bruce a hit. Go see it and have some fun. LFDH deserves it.

Yippee Kay Yay Mother Fucker!

THREE AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS

NANCY DREW

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 20:01:27 -0500

There is really not much for me to say here. The girls and I saw this as part of a double feature on Father's Day. If you have girls go take them. There isn't much out for them this Summer and they will enjoy it. Emma Roberts is cute. It has scares, thrills, laughs and boys. Yuck I can't believe my 9-year-old notices boy. Urgh. Oh and Emma Roberts, thankfully does not look like her aunt Barbaro, I mean Julia Roberts.

TWO BALL POINT PENS - FOR ME

FOUR BALL POINT PENS - THE GIRLS

1408

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:59:30 -0500

Hell fuckin yeah. You know you never really know what you're getting into when you go into a Steven King adaptation. Some are the quality of The Shining, The Stand, Shawshank Redemption, Misery and Carrie. Others are like Christine. And sometimes you get Dreamcatcher.

That said. This shit is my movie of the week. John Cusak plays King's favorite type of character - an alcoholic author suffering from a loss. In this case Mike Enslin is a one time successful author turned author of America's favorite haunted places. Mike goes from bed and breakfast to hotel looking for hauntings, yet coming up with nothing.

'Til he gets a postcard from the Dolphin Hotel

Mike receives a mysterious postcard warning him not to check into 1408.

And of course Mike being curious, skeptical and white, he does.

Sam Jackson, who plays a great hotel manager, Gerald Olin warns him. Pleads with him not to check into 1408...even telling him that no one lasts more than an hour.

He even offers him 800 dollar booze.

Mike still says,"nay." Check me in.

And Mike does. And the fun begins...with the Carpenters singing on the radio, " We've only just begun..."

1408 is the kind of horror movie they don't make right now. One that is suspenseful, intelligent and has fx at the right moments. For the most part, it is a one-man show with John Cusack. And he rocks the house...or in this case - the hotel.

1408 is so far my favorite movie of the summer...if I extend it into the spring movies then Grindhouse would be number one, then 1408. Go see it.

THAT WAS MY REVIEW BACK WHEN 1408 OPENED.

After viewing it on DVD I really like this movie a lot.It will go down as one of my favorite movies of this year. The DVD set is well worth it. There is an alternate director's cut on there which I may have liked more than the original ending. The commentaries are great. And look for the behind the scenes look at how they made 1408 come to life.

And Sam Jackson is still the shit. Damn he's good.

DVD: FOUR BALL POINT PENS

DVD EXTRAS: FOUR AND A HALF BALL POINT PENS

Ratatouille

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:43:11 -0500

Brad Bird is my hero. When it comes to present-day directors, we always talk and revel about the works of Spielberg, Scorsese, Marshall, Almodovar, Tarantino, Scott, and Singer. God that's a lot of S's. Hmm. Anyway I digress. Where was I? Oh, the truth is Brad Bird has given me three movies which have not only entertained, but moved - The Iron Giant (criminally underappreciated), The Incredibles and Ratatouille. He's not just working in animation. He's working on a whole different level animation. Not from a visual perspective only. You expect that with a Pixar flick...but with the actual story telling.

His movies ain't just for kids.

See, unlike the Shrek's of the world or even last year's Happy Feet (which I loved), Bird's movies don't rely on pop-culture references for laughs, cuddly talking animals (um no the rats still look like rats) or well-known celebrities to do voice-overs. No Brad focuses on astounding us with unbelievable visuals and memorable storytelling.

Go figure.

And that's what you have with Ratatouille. Remy (voiced by Patton Oswald) is a blue furry rat gifted (or cursed) with the next level of olfactory senses. It's a gift in that he can combine different foods for the colony - a picked mushroom, piece of discarded cheese, a sprig of rosemary and lightning - and a curse because it makes him want to do more. Unlike his dad (Brian Dennehy) and brother Emil (Peter Sohn), Remy doesn't want to steal food for life...he wants to make it.

It also doesn't help, that the rat has taught himself to read cookbooks and he watches (in the kitchen of an old french woman) his favorite chef on TV, Gustaeu (Everybody Loves Raymond's Brad Garrett). Gustaeu tells everyone on his show to never let anyone limit your dreams, because anyone can cook. I love the Pixar themes. You never have to search for them, they come out and tell you exactly what the movie is about.

Remy believes him. And soon gets his chance. After he and his colony are separated on a river during a storm (god they really can animate water now), Remy finds himself not only in Paris...but underneath Gusteau's restaurant...which has gone from a five-star joint to a three-star. One star was lost when villainous critic, Anton Ego (Peter O'Toole) took a star away, which caused Gustaeu to die, which in turn, caused the restaurant to lose another star.

Gustaeu's is now run by midget (sorry vertically challenged) Skinner (voiced by Ian Holm). He doesn't dream of serving up delicious meals anymore. He wants to corner the market with a variety of Gustaeu frozen foods ranging from BBQ to Chinese food. The same night Remy shows up, a young loser named Linguini arrives at Gustaeu's looking for a job. He's the son of a mysterious woman who used to work there (won't spoil it).

Eventually through a ballet of mishaps (this was beautiful on the screen to watch) Remy and Linguini end up becoming cooking partners, unbeknownst to the staff. They have perfected a technique where Remy (who can cook) can control Linguini (who can't) by pulling his hair.

If only Willard had figured this out (inside joke).

Remy's dishes become the talk of Paris leading up to a showdown dinner between Linguini, Ego and Skinner. And Remy also finds Linguini love in the kitchen with Collette (Janeane Garofolo).

Strip everything away, Ratatouille is about two young men coming of age and finding friendship and learning what friendship really means. Paris and food had never looked better in animation. Peter O'Toole gives a moving speech at the end about critics. And Michael Giacchino's (composer for The Incredibles) hits it out of the park again with his Parisian influenced score.

Ratatouille is a sumptuous feast (there I had to put a food pun in there) for the eyes. It's a love letter to food and Paris. And a dish so worth enjoying. If you can get past rats cooking in the kitchen. And I mean lots of rats. :-)

FIVE BALL POINT PENS

Transformers

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:14:41 -0500

RUNNING TIME: 2 hr. 30 min.

RATING: PG-13 – violence, language and sexual inneundos

CAST: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Anthony Anderson, John Tuturro, Peter Cullen

DIRECTOR: Michael Bay

GENRE: Action, Science Fiction

I still like it. Yep. Still do.

Transformers holds up on DVD. At the time I wrote the original review I hadn’t seen Shia LeBeouf in Disturbia. This guy has finally made it past that horrible Project Greenlight movie by Pete Jones. Whatever it was called. He’s a star in the making.

And, um, I sure do love me some Megan Foxx. She is just insane looking. Hello? She should be playing Wonder Woman.

So here’s the bottom line - Transformers turns what we can do with special effects on its head. It is in the league of Close Encounters, Terminator, Lord of The Rings, and the first time we saw Spiderman swing.

Michael Bay has finally done a movie where I don't throw my popcorn up afterwards. I know it's cliche to say you hate Michael Bay, but it is sort of true.

And even with Spielberg producing, he still does Bay things which leave me scratching my head - like his editing. 2.5 hours of a Bay movie tires your eyes out. He can't let a scene rest for more than a couple of seconds. Girls are still just there for eye candy, although Megan Fox gets in the action. His choice of using slow-motion to dramatize "emotional scenes" is absolutely corny. The omission of The Transformers' theme song is an insult to anyone who wore Transformer underoos. Okay, TMI. And his choice of music is just horrible. It's like he's still doing car spots.

That said, Transformers has the biggest, most bombastic effects that I have seen in a long time. The showdown between the Autobots and Decepticons at the end is nothing short of jaw dropping.

Shia LaBeouf as teen geek Sam Witwicky holds the picture together. It's the role Matthew Broderick played in the '80s. He's good looking, funny and exudes awe when he first encounters the autobots. Megan Fox as teen goddess Mikaela is just, god, a fuckin' fox. Sit down Jessica Alba. John Tuturro as the sinister (kind of cartoonish) head of the mysterious section 7 is funny and over the top. Anthony Anderson is funny. Bernie Mac is underused. And Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson are studs in the desert. And Jon Voight is his usual top form self as the secretary of defense.

So much for the humans. What's the plot? Well uh it's The Transformers! In the cartoon (which I own all box sets of) either the Decepticons have found a new source of energon (what powers them) and the Autobots stop them. Or the Decepticons have discovered the Autobots have found a new source of energon and try to stop them.

That's your movie's plot. Except they call the energon the all spark here, which gives life to all Transformers.

Optimus is Optimus. It's warming to hear Peter Cullen (although older and gravlier) voice Optimus. Bumble Bee is a cool design. Ratchet, Iron Hide and Jazz don't have much to do 'til the end. Megatron's design is booty. I did like Devestator (the Tank) and Star Scream is completely underused.

One last complaint, Transformers really doesn't become a movie about The Transformers until the end. When the sequel comes out, and it will, I would focus more on developing the Autobots and Decepticon's characters - oh Jesus I'm asking Bay to develop character? Nevermind. That ain't gonna happen. Instead let's all sing:

The Transformers, More than meets the eye Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the deceptions The Transformers Robots in disguise The Transformers More than meets the eye The Transformers.

Unfortunately, I bought the regular DVD instead of the super-pack. That contains all sorts of goodies like sketches, deleted scenes plus the box transforms into Optimus Prime!

Movie: Four Ball Point Pens

DVD: Two Ball Point Pens

Super DVD: Five Ball Pens.

Other Shia Le Bouef movies you may enjoy: Holes, Disturbia

Other Megan Fox movies you may enjoy: Anything she is in. Hopefully there is some porn out there of her!

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:01:16 -0500

One shall stand. The other shall make gazillions of dollars.