The Geek Movie Review

Runtime: 1 hr. 50 min.

Rating: R sexual content, nudity, violence and language

Cast: Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows, Stephen Campbell Moore, Daniel Mays, James Faulkner

Director: Roger Donaldson

Genres: Docudrama, Crime Comedy, Caper, Crime

Yes I’m finally getting around to this. Sorry. Been working on a sitcom and generally keeping a roof over my head. But this flick has stuck in my mind ever since I saw it over a month ago. So here is my review.

I know Hollywood was hard pressed to find material for Jason Statham that would top The Transporter 2 and In The Name of The King, but I think they may have, yes perhaps, succeeded.

Come on who are we kidding? Watching Jason Statham take a dump would top either of those films!

The truth is The Bank Job is not only Jason Statham’s best film to date, it is one of the most entertaining films I have seen this year.

Inspired by real events, which happened in the 1970s, Jason plays Terry, a low level sometimes thief who is in debt and runs a car dealership. Terry is in love with his new family and has pretty much left his shady dealings behind. But when Martine (Saffron Burrows), a beautiful model from his old neighborhood, offers him a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London's Baker Street, Terry recognizes the opportunity of a lifetime.

Martine has targeted a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. Simple enough. What Terry and his crew don’t realize is that they have stepped into one big pile of British Royal dung.

The boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets - secrets that will thrust Terry and co. into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal that spans London's criminal underworld, the highest echelons of the British government, and the Royal Family itself.

Honestly, I’ve never been a big fan of heist movies, but this one may turn me onto them. While slow in the beginning, I enjoyed the methodical approach director Roger Donaldson used with the material. We spend time getting to know each of Terry’s cohorts, so when the time comes that they may go down, we feel some sort of empathy for them. It makes us laugh and root for them.

But when the action comes, it’s fast and furious. I am actually a Jason Statham fan from when I saw him in The Transporter. Interestingly, he is very restrained here…until the end when he lays down some Transporter-worthy ass kickings on the villains.

And speaking of the villains, how are they? Really threatening. Smarmy, making you giddy when they finally do get what’s coming to them.

I only knew Saffron Burrows from Boston Legal…I lust at her right along with Denny Crane and Alan Shore. Here she amps up the sexiness (if that’s possible) even more, making me a lusty popcorn muncher.

Other aspects that stand out are the cinematography by J.Peter Robinson and the score by Gavin Bocquet. Both feel straight out of my favorite decade of movie making – the 1970s.

It’s interesting to note (especially in this era of Elliot Spitzer) how the government tries to protect the ruling class’ sexual forays in1970s Britain. Where today, we’re so ready to hang our leaders out to dry the moment they misstep.

How true The Bank Job is to the original is really of no matter, it’s an extremely entertaining two hours filled with twists and turns, some predictable, some outrageous, but all fun.

Three and a Half Ball Point Pens

Runtime: 1 hr. 25 min.

Rating: PG-13 crude and sexual content, comic violence, drug references and language

Cast: Drake Bell, Sara Paxton, Christopher McDonald, Pamela Anderson, Tracy Morgan, Regina Hall

Director: Craig Mazin

Genres: Parody/Spoof, Comic-Book Superhero Film, Absurd Comedy, Comedy

So let me get this straight - after three Spider-man movies, three X-Men films, Superman Returns, Batman Begins, two Fantastic Four movies, Daredevil, The Hulk the guys in Hollywood finally decided now would be a good time to spoof them?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not hating on the new Superhero Movie, but just questioning its timing a little.

I think it’s especially hard to spoof a good superhero feature these days when so many films in the genre are so bad. Talk to me about Catwoman, Elecktra, Ghost Rider.

When you’re judging a film like Superhero Movie you can’t really go by the usual parameters though. Things like plot, acting, dialogue go right out the door. And are replaced by jokes.

Jokes of all kinds. Verbal jokes. Physical jokes. Runing jokes. Crude jokes. Especially the crude jokes!

In that respect, Superhero Movie does deliver the goods. But since this is a review, just for review’s sake I’ll briefly go over the plot. What little there is.

After being bitten by a genetically altered dragonfly, high school loser Rick Riker  (played by Drake and Josh’s Drake Bell) develops superhuman abilities like incredible strength and armored skin. Rick decides to use his new powers for good and becomes a costumed crime fighter known as "The Dragonfly." However, standing in the way of his destiny is the villainous Lou Landers. After an experiment gone wrong, Lou develops the power to steal a person's life force and in a dastardly quest for immortality becomes the super villain, "The Hourglass."

Beat wise, this film follows the original Spider-man pretty much beat for beat. And of course, Spider-man owes a lot to  Richard Donner’s Superman.

All of the actors are fine in this sort of piece. Drake is from the over-the-top school from his TV series. And Pam Anderson’s breasts are on full display in a fun send-up of the X-Men and Fantastic Four. And who can argue about seeing Pam’s glorious boobage?

So back to the jokes. Yes some are expected. The farting…oh the farting. Some did catch me off guard and make me howl though. And some were completely inappropriate for my daughters – small penis references, Drake’s dragonfly-like hands sticking to a teacher’s breasts etc.  But how can you fault a movie that has Leslie Nielson still doing his Leslie Nielson antics. Good for you Methuselah!

Superhero Movie is not a must-see. It will never break my top ten or twenty for that matter, but if you need a good laugh, you can be guaranteed to find some here.

Three Ball Point Pens

Runtime: 1 hr. 28 min.

Rating: G

Cast: Jim Carrey, Steve Carell, Carol Burnett, Will Arnett, Seth Rogen, Isla Fisher, Jonah Hill, Amy Poehler, Charles Osgood

Director: Jimmy Heywood and Steve Martino

Written by: Ken Daurio & Cinco Paul

Genres: Family-Oriented Adventure, Children's/Family

I haven’t had much luck with Dr. Seuss adaptations at the theater. Yes, they make money, but somehow either the books are always better or the original adapted versions.

Take for instance, The Grinch. The classic cartoon is nothing less than perfect, which can probably explain my 100 or so viewings of the classic. Whereas, the movie, with Jim Carrey felt long and genuinely not funny.

The same can be said about The Cat in The Hat with the increasingly annoying Mike Myers. Again, long. Again, not funny. And Myers’ make up looked like something that escaped from a toxic waste dump.

So I went into the new Horton Hears a Who with not really trepidation - but an “I don’t care” attitude. The girls wanted to see it. And who am I to argue with my girls. I did expect it to be bad though. Not College Road Trip bad, but damn near close.

I’m happy to report back, that while not perfect, the new Horton Hears a Who comes the closest to capturing the spirit of the source material.

Horton is the story of an imaginative elephant who discovers Whoville lives on a tiny speck…on top of a clover. Once Horton shares this find with the rest of his jungle society he is ridiculed, especially by the skeptical Kangaroo. As voiced by Carol Burnett she reminded me of every self-righteous, know-it-all, nosy woman that tries to run the Cul-De-Sac in the ‘burbs. She is small-minded, doesn’t look outside of her  world and chastises anyone who does. Actually, she will set out to destroy anyone who doesn’t think like her. Where have we seen that before?

Horton ignores her warnings and takes it upon himself to protect the little people of Whoville. Meanwhile down in Whoville, The Mayor (voiced by Steve Carrell) comes to the realization, through a series of tremors, cloud patterns and the ground tilting, that there may be more out there than the world of Whoville.

He too, is scoffed by the town council who consider him a puppet more than a leader.

Through some sort of (it’s alluded too as possibly) divine intervention/coincidence, Horton and The Mayor come across each other. Both are invisible to each other, but each believes in the other’s existence.

The rest of the pic follows the two as they go through hell to prove to their respective societies that the other exists.

No one believes them…until possible disaster happens. Isn’t that the way it always is?

I enjoyed Horton. For me, it’s the best feature adaptation of Seuss. Jim Carrey voices Horton with imagination, sympathy and a certain selflessness that I responded to. There is a wide-eyed innocence that he brings to the elephant. Yes, the usual Carrey ramblings are there – not sure the kids will get the Henry Kissinger reference – which the kidswill also smile at.

Steve Carrell is also pretty good as The Mayor. He brings a yearning to his portrayal of the mayor – who pines to join his other great mayor/relatives – which most adults can relate to. One complaint – please Hollywood stop thinking it is funny to have white guys try to be cool by sounding black.

It’s not funny.

I also thought the animation was decent. Overall, it is colorful, fun and captures the book. It made me believe that Seuss books should not be live action, but some sort of animation. Ooo that rhymed. I really enjoyed one sequence where the animation turned to anime. Very fun.

The themes of faith and selflessness come through loud and clear. When the Who’s cry out in desperation, “we’re here,” my heart actually warmed.

If you have 90 minutes and want to take your kids to something truly entertaining, give Horton a try. Like an elephant, I think don’t you’ll forget it.

Three Ball Point Pens

Runtime: 1 hr. 23 min.

Rating: G

Cast: Raven Symone, Martin Lawrence, Donny Osmond, Will Sasso

Director: Roger Kumble

Genres: Road Movie, Comedy, Coming-of-Age, Domestic Comedy, Family-Oriented Comedy

So where do you start when the best acting in a film is done by a pork belly pig?

I really don’t know. Obviously I am talking the about the over-the-top, the overly acted, the overly bad, beyond formulaic College Road Trip. I have no doubt this will end up on my worst list.

College Road Trip is the story of disturbingly overprotective father/police chief James Porter, played by Martin Lawrence, who can’t let go of his daughter Melanie, played by Raven-Symone. James keeps alphabetized videos from the time she was a baby to the present. And he has even decided Melanie will attend Northwestern no matter what.

Of course Melanie has other ideas. An overachieving high school senior with Georgetown in her scope, Melanie wants to prove her independence to her dad.

When an opportunity presents itself for Melanie to visit the admissions board at Georgetown, she jumps at the chance to ride off with her girlfriends on a college road trip - stopping off in Pittsburgh to visit The University of Pitt as well. Of course Lawrence’s James puts the kibosh to the whole idea and decides to take Melanie himself.

Insert predictable, horribly unfunny set pieces. One after the boring other.

Directed by Roger Kumble, College Road Trip is a by the numbers, corporate and very mechanical so-called family film. I got more family feeling out of the recent Be Kind Rewind than this piece of junk. It feels like a collaboration of filmmakers, number crunchers and focus groups.

I can see all three groups huddled around a conference room table, brainstorming.

“So Melanie and James have missed their flight.”

“So what do they do?”

“There’s a diving team…get it?... heading to their private plane. Let’s have Mel and James mistake them for divers instead of…SKY DIVERS!”

“Brilliant. Do that! Yes. Let’s get lattes and go to yoga.”

What the hell? I can’t tell you how NOT funny that scene was. Oh and of course they are going to let the two – untrained skydivers – jump out of a plane.

Yeah, brilliant.

Look I think Martin Lawrence is a funny guy. There are plenty of films I enjoyed him in…even Bad Boys 2…but he plays the role of James Porter with an almost creepy, incestuous feel. He peeks through windows, as his daughter is getting ready to drive off with her girlfriends. Yuck. Particularly creepy is a scene where James sneaks across Pitt’s campus, climbs a ladder up to a sorority dorm room and spies on Raven and co. If that weren’t enough, he ends up sleeping underneath her bed while she and a girlfriend talk about lip-gloss.

Raven-Symone plays Melanie as if she is still on That’s So Raven. Her performance is over the top and, honestly, really bad. Hey, Raven, I was upset when you passed on Queen B. Um. Okay. I’m glad I got to see you in this first.  In fact, I dare say I never want to see Raven-Symone act again. Yes she’s that bad. And she can barely sing. Poor Frankie Smith has to have her re-do his 80’s rap classic The Double Dutch Bus. The Double-Dutch Bus!?!

Oh should I mention the rest of the cast? Hmm, let’s see the focus group and the number crunchers say we need an ultra-white version of James and Melanie…

“How about Donny and Marie?”

“Hmm, Marie is too old. But we love Donny. Sign him!”

Donny Osmond, if possible, is even more over the top and possibly creepier (think the original The Stepfather) than James.

Oh yeah, and then there’s a lame B-story with James’ son, Trey (Eshaya Draper) a genius with a genius pig.

Laughing yet?

Yes Roger Kumble, director of such lame films as The Sweetest Thing and Cruel Intentions 2 has concocted a film, which rips off every Chevy Chase movie ever made…but without the spirit. This film should have gone Direct to…

…Garbage.

Then again, perhaps I am being too hard on the creatives. After all, it is a family film.

So I asked my daughters Chloe and Max what they thought. They hated it, too.

That’s my girls!

One Ball Point Pen

Runtime: 1 hr. 24 min.

Rating: PG-13 violence, terror and disturbing images

Cast: Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, Michael Stahl-David, Mike Vogel, Odette Yustman

Director: Matt Reeves

Genres: Sci-Fi Disaster Film, Monster Film, Science Fiction, Sci-Fi Horror

Damn.

A film that actually lived up to its hype.

I just came back from J.J. Abrams’ production of Cloverfield, and I am here to tell you it takes everything we know about the giant monster attacking NYC genre and turns it on its scaly head. It is a scary, fun and surprisingly fresh rollercoaster ride.

For months now, the film has been the subject of intense Internet scrutiny? Is the title really Cloverfield? How could they do a trailer without a title? Omg will the guy yelling “Ohmigod” at the Statue of Liberty’s head please shut up? Is this the monster? Is it Godzilla?  Voltron?

Yes 6 months of that. Thank god it’s over.

I remember my reaction to the trailer -  “Oh look a bunch of CW kids getting ready to be eaten and stomped on by something.  Good.”  I was actually stunned that I found myself caring about each and every one of them.

It’s springtime in NYC. Rob, played by Michael Stahl-David, is about to leave for Japan to take a lucrative job. He comes to a surprise going away party thrown by his brother Jason (Mike Vogel) and his girlfriend Lily (Jessica Lucas). Also there is Rob’s ex Beth (Odette Yustman). Beth and Rob really love each other, but it seems like the Japan gig is getting in their way. Big time. And there to document it all on his digi-recorder is Rob’s best friend Hudson Platt, played by T.J. Miller. Rob decides to use this party as a chance to get things off his chest with Beth.

Yawn.

We’ve seen this angst before…on Smallville, The O.C. to name a few. You know the drill - lots of cool conversation and slang thrown around by beautiful 20-somethings.

“Dude, you know you really love her.”

“How could you come here with him?”

Yawn.

Then BOOM!

Something harsh, mean and brutal rocks their party. Scared Rob and the other revelers go outside on the roof…then the street. Of course that part we’ve seen on over and over again in trailers and on the net – the skyscraper in the distance exploding…the panic…The Statue of Liberty’s head rolling up the street.

What you haven’t seen is the rest. Which quite frankly is a terror trek as Rob and his friends try to escape New York from a creature unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.

And unlike our angst-ridden 20-somethings, this creature has no conscience. No guilt. It’s just there to destroy.

Oh and by the way, this monster, which is as tall as the Empire State Building, is not a giant lizard. It has a tail, but it ain’t no lizard. And it’s brought party favors – crab-like creatures, which drop off of its body, and eats anything in site.

An allegory of course to 9/11 (it was once rumored that this would be called 01/18/08) Cloverfield works because it isn’t about a giant monster wrecking havoc on New York. It’s not about the heroes who go off to fight it. There’s no scientist, working in a local high school, with the answer to the problem. Cloverfield is about people like you and me. Okay check that, it’s about very attractive people (ha) trying to survive while New York crumbles around them.

They are scared and they don’t have answers. Which leaves us scared and without answers. Filmed of course as the Blair Witch Project’s cousin (all on government owned video), Cloverfield puts us right in the middle of the melee. We feel Rob and company’s surprise when they turn a corner and there’s the creature! Run. Oh shit there’s the army! Run. There is an immediacy this technique brings the film.

Particularly terrifying is a trip through the subway tunnels and how they rescue Beth.

I also really loved the fact that there is no explanation for the creature’s existence. We don’t know where it came from and or where it’s going back to. I do know this though. I am going back…for a second and third viewing.

Would Cloverfield have been as scary if it were shot like, for lack of a better term, a normal movie? Probably not. The realism of the camcorder puts us right in the center of the maelstrom.  The camera work and the lighting also conceal the creature, which makes it far scarier. And the lack of a musical score really adds to the realism. Some will hate Cloverfield for its experimental filmmaking. Yes, the haters are already coming out in droves. I fall in the former. Director Matt Reeves has done a bang up job with getting actual performances that feel like how people would really react out of his actors.

In a day where audiences are jaded and feel like they have seen it all, Cloverfield reinvents the genre. It’s the kind of movie I wish I could write.

FOUR BALL POINT PENS.

Run Time: 2 hr. 4 min.

Rating: PG – Strong Language, nudity, drug usage, some violence

Cast: Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, Jon Voight, Justin Bartha, Ed Harris, Helen Mirren, Harvey Keitel, Bruce Greenwood

Director: Jon Turtletaub

Genre: Adventure, Family, Suspense, Caper

There is a lot one can learn from Jon Turtletaub’s sequel to the surprise hit of 2003.

No I’m not speaking about brief historical lessons.

After seeing National Treasure: Book of Secrets, I came away with new relationship knowledge. Go figure.

For instance if you and your significant other are having problems, and perhaps one of you has moved out of your multi-million dollar mansion…

Go on a treasure hunt.

Or

If you haven’t spoken to your wife, and mother of your famous son, for 32 years…

Go on a treasure hunt.

If your family has been defamed and has estranged you…let’s say it all together.

Go on a treasure hunt.

It will make it all better.

Those are about the only lessons to be gained from this brainless popcorn flick about globetrotting brains on a treasure hunt.

How National Treasure became a hit is still mind-boggling to me. It certainly was watchable, but I found it a tad boring…even with all the action. My 11-year-old loves it. I asked her why? She could only say she did. Well she wasn’t alone. National Treasure went on to gross over 300 million worldwide.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets continues the trend of being the poor man’s Raiders of the Lost Ark. We meet Ben Franklin Gates (Cage) when he is giving a lecture on his grandfather’s role in the Lincoln cabinet. “Not so fast so,” says Oscar Winner Ed Harris, who plays Mitch Wilkinson. Mitch claims that he has a page of John Wilkes Booth’s diary that proves Gates’ great great grandpappy was the orchestrator of Lincoln’s assassination.

Ben, along with his dad (John Voight), estranged girlfriend Abigail (Kruger) and former assistant, turned unsuccessful author; Riley (Justin Bartha) set out to prove it’s a fake. The mystery takes them from the third (I didn’t know there were three) Statue of Liberty in Paris to Buckingham Palace to the White House itself. In between, there are the pre-requisite car chases, clobbering of Jon Voight and of course, villain Harris scowling.

Their research leads Ben and co. to a book that is for Presidents’ eyes only. So how does Ben decide he’s going to get a gander? Why kidnap the president of course.  Eventually the clues lead Ben and co. along with evil Mitch to Mount Rushmore, which may or may not hide the biggest treasure in American history.

As in the first one, NTBOS mixes historical fact with a whole heap of fiction and then presents its characters in one preposterous situation after another. I’m certainly not against the premise, but again something is missing from this popcorn flick for me. I can’t accuse it of running on autopilot. Cage genuinely looks like he’s having a good time, as does Bartha. Kruger is pretty to look at, but still comes across pretty cold as well.

I think the fault lies in Turtletaub’s direction. The pacing seems off and the film feels like it could be 20 minutes shorter. The ending drags. And I felt Harris wasn’t convincing as a baddie this time. There was certainly more tension between Cage and Harris when they faced off against each other in Michael Bay’s The Rock. Cage and Kruger seem to lack chemistry as well. The reason they broke up came across convoluted. It couldn’t have been that serious if all it took was an adventure to bring them back together.

One thing to note is Ben’s mother’s (Helen Mirren) breasts. Have to admit when she was stuck in a cave with Voight and the two of them tumbled to the ground, I found myself thinking, “Wow for an older woman she has great boobs.” My wife would probably say it’s the bra.

However as outstanding as her breasts are, it’s not enough to recommend this National Treasure…unless you are having trouble with your spouse. If you are…

Go on a treasure hunt.

Two Ball Point Pens.

Run Time: 1 hr. 37 min.

Rating: R – Strong Language, nudity, drug usage, some violence

Cast: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams, Ned Beatty

Director: Mike Nichols

Genre: Political Drama, Docudrama, Drama

God Julia Roberts is looking horsier than ever. Especially on the big screen! Okay I just wanted to get that out of the way.

The first review out of my holiday movie marathon is Mike Nichols’ Charlie Wilson’s War. This is an unexpected gem of a movie with a particularly strong acting from Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari…kidding. I love throwing a Bosom Buddies reference in there. Actually Hanks is joined by a nominee-worthy performance – in my opinion – from Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Charlie Wilson (Hanks) is a boozing, womanizing Senator from Texas whose biggest achievement is getting re-elected five times and collecting a huge amount of IOU’s from various senators and interest groups. Playboy playmates and strippers who basically double as secretaries surround him

Charlie is persuaded by Julia (thank god she doesn’t do that horrible laugh) Roberts’ Joanne Herring, who is the sixth richest woman in his district, to look into the Soviet Union’s brutal attacks in Afghanistan. After a trip to the war-torn country, Charlie comes back convinced he has to do something. He gets the help he needs in the form of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Gust Avrakotos, a CIA operative who is bitter for being overlooked for a promotion.

Together, the two set out to help the Afghan rebels fend off the Soviet Army by supplying them with weapons and training.  Although successful, Wilson predicts, and rightly so, a deadly scenario once the US pulls out – events that will lead to the rise of The Taliban and Osama bin Laden.

Um, what else can I say? This is a movie designed to win Oscars. Although entertaining and paced well, there is somewhat of a letdown. This happens sometimes when a film is loaded with star power. The performances are all top notch…yes even Julia Roberts is good. But then again she isn’t seen that much so maybe that’s why!  Tom Hanks is likable as the playboy senator and his scenes with Hoffman are both endearing and sometimes comical. The introduction of the two characters to each other is memorable and fun.

The last scene is what really got me in Charlie Wilson’s War. The chilling and ominous speech by Hanks to his sub-committee is worth the hour and 37 minutes alone.  Amy Adams, coming off a winning performance in Enchanted, is also great as the senator’s aide. Plus special thanks goes out to the DP for capturing her ass in a long walk down!

The pace is quick and the dialogue, penned by Aaron Sorkin, is quite good. He avoids letting this material become too dry, which is what can happen in these sorts of docudramas. That is probably due to he and Nichols using broad strokes from George Criles’ autobiography of Charlie Wilson. The score, by James Newton Howard, is also worth noting.

With so many films today running on autopilot, it is easy to forget a well-written movie. And Charlie Wilson’s War has it all – drama, suspense and humor.

And most of all, not that much Julia Roberts!

Three Ball and a half Point Pens.