The Geek Movie Review

RUNNING TIME:  1 hr. 59 min.

RATING: R - creature violence and language

CAST: Song Kang-ho, Byun Hee-bong, Park Hae-il, Bae Du-na, Ko A-Sung

Director: Bong Joon-ho

GENRE: Monster Film, Drama, Horror, Sci-Fi Horror

The Host contains the most dramatic, terrifying entrance of a monster I have seen since the "chest burster” tear its way through John Hurt’s chest in Alien.

That alone makes The Host worth seeing.

The talk of the 2006 Cannes festival, The Host comes by way of Korea. Directed by Boon Jong-Ho, it is scary, fast, funny and extremely touching…everything a monster movie should be.

It also makes a huge, hit-you-over-the-head environmental statement.

The Host opens with irresponsible American and South Korean scientists dumping toxic chemicals into the Han River. They know it’s wrong, but hey what else are you going to do with toxic chemicals. Hello BP! I guess this actually based on a real account - in February 2000 at a US military facility located in the center of Seoul, a US military civilian employee named Mr. McFarland was ordered to dispose of formaldehyde by dumping it into the sewer system that led to the Han River despite the objection of a South Korean subordinate.

Well, back to the movie.

Several years later we meet Park Gang-Du, played by Song Kang-ho, he’s a happy go lucky dad who works with his father, played by Hee Bong, running a fast food stand near the Han River. Park doesn’t really like to work. He’d much rather watch his sister the archer on TV drinking a beer with his daughter played by Hail IL Park.

Things change when Park is delivering an order of squid to some patrons camped out by the river. Their attention is on something else other than their food. Something large and strange hangs from the bottom of a bridge.

Then it drops into the water.

RUN!

It’s a ferocious mutated creature born of the formaldehyde!

Unfortunately as Gang Du is on the run – he also saves a couple of people, but watches more get gobbled up, his daughter is grabbed by the thing’s tail and yanked into the Han River.

In a state of shock over the events, Gang Du’s dysfunctional family joins up to find his daughter in a labyrinth of sewers throughout Seoul.

At its heart, The Host is about a family putting aside their differences to save one of their own. But make no mistake; it is a heart-pounding monster movie. The creature, created digitally by the Orphanage, is something I have never seen on the screen before. Part fish. Part dinosaur. All hungry. The FX are top notch as well as the acting.

There are definite homages to Godzilla and Mothra, but this is an original all the same.

I want to see more from this director Bong.

MOVIE: FIVE BALL POINT PENS

EXTRAS: TWO BALL POINT PENS

Other Korean Movies You Might Enjoy: A Tale of Two Sisters

RUNNING TIME: 1 hr. 36 min.

RATING: PG-13 - some sexual content

CAST:  Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore, Brad Garrett, Kristen Johnston, Haley Bennett

DIRECTOR: Marc Lawrence

GENRE: Romantic Comedy, Comedy

I’m not the biggest Drew Barrymore fan. Honestly I find her really annoying – onscreen and off. I know she has her fan base but I just don’t get her.

But hell if the beeyatch can’t make a decent romantic comedy.

Music And Lyrics is an irresistible, cute and wickedly good send-up of romantic comedies and the pop music industry.

If you can get past the disturbing age difference – Hugh Grant looking like Methuselah at only 46 and Barrymore, 15 years younger (but looking even younger) you’re in for a good flick.

Grant plays Alex Fletcher, the Andrew Ridgely (Wham!) of a gigantic pop duo called POP! When the M&L opens he is performing in a music video, which accurately skewers most of the videos of that era. When the “George Michael” half of the act leaves him, Alex is left with dismal selling solo efforts and appearances at class reunions and state fairs. Oh and he has a deal on the table for boxing match titled Battle of the 80s Has-Beens!

When his manager, played by Brad Garrett, brings Alex a renewed chance at stardom by writing a new song for a Shakira clone, Cora Corman (Haley Bennet), he nervously jumps at it. Turns out the clone has broken up with her beau and wants a song titled, Way back into Love. She needs it in a week for her show at Madison Square Garden.

The problem arises in that Alex was the Elton John, not the Bernie Taupin of the partnership. So his pen is coooooooooooold. Enter Sophie Fisher, played by Barrymore. Sophie is weird. Just flat out weird. And she has a germ phobia. She’s also emotionally scarred from an earlier relationship with an English professor. She’s more into taking care of Alex’s plants than pop music, but she happens to have a way with words.

Writer-director Marc Lawrence (Forces of Nature; 2 Weeks Notice) created a pleasant surprise for me Yes Grant is filled with his usual one-liners. Does he act any other way? And Barrymore is her usual annoying self to me. But mix it all together with some scene-stealing scenes by Kirsten Johnston (3^rd Rock From the Sun) and it somehow works. Don’t ask me how. It just does.

This was originally released on Valentine’s Day. And I think it’s very appropriate.

Save it for some chilly night to curl up with your loved one. Take a deep breath and get over creepy old man with hot young chick and enjoy!

THREE BALL POINT PENS

DVD EXTRAS: TWO BALL POINT PENS

Other Hugh Grant movies: Bridget Jones's Diary, About a Boy, Notting Hill, Two Weeks Notice, Mickey Blue Eyes, Four Weddings and a Funeral

Other Drew Barrymore movies: Charlie's Angels, The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, Fever Pitch, ET

Dummies scare the be Jesus out of me. No not the dummies I worked for at The Marketing Store and Burrell. As creepy as they were I am actually talking about ventriloquist dummies. Remember Magic? I find them more frightening than clowns. The most terrifying of all is a clown dummy, which appears in the horror movie Dead Silence.

So going into this movie alone, in the dark and in my bedroom left me with one thought – I’m nuts.

Dead Silence is the story of Mary Shaw, a famous ventriloquist, who apparently went nuts in the town of Raven’s Fair and kidnapped a rude child...for the sole purpose of turning him into a new dummy.

Gotta love a woman who knows what she wants!

Well the town got wind of this and naturally killed her - only to have Mary and once-buried dummies come back and terrorize the town.

It all starts when young husband and wife, Jamie and Ella Ashen (Ryan Kwanten & Amber Valletta) receive a creepy dummy on their apartment step. Apparently receiving a dummy in a box on your doorstep is bad luck.

Remember that as you go through life.

While Jamie heads out to get carry out, Ella is not just mysteriously murdered – her tongue is ripped out and her mouth is dislodged.

Mmm. Pass the popcorn.

Enter Detective Jim Lipton, played by Donnie Wahlberg. Of course Lipton thinks Jamie off’d his wife. We know better.

The mystery leads to Jamie’s hometown of Raven’s Fair, a mostly deserted town, where his father, Bob Gunton, lives with his second wife, played by Laura Regan in a gi-hugic mansion.

James Wan, director of Saw and the upcoming Death Sentence (this is a sick dude), has crafted a slick, creepy horror movie, that is kind of a throwback to Italian horror movies of the 60s.

Watching Dead Silence, I found chills going up my spine, and myself jumping more than once. And there is a surprise at the end that I did not see coming.

As for the DVD extras, they were okay. There is an alternate ending and beginning that aren’t really better than what made it into the final picture. But it’s worth looking at. The “making of” feature is slightly interesting, just to get a good look at the lunatic behind the Saw movies as well as this one.

MOVIE:            THREE BALL POINT PENS

Shrek the Third

Can we please have a moratorium on the joke that when a very white guy (Robin Williams usually is the culprit) tries to talk Black that it is funny. Especially as a black woman!?!

Yes Mike Myers is back to reprise his role as the lovable green ogre, as well as Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews and Rupert Everett in Shrek The Third.

Okay, it's not exactly Shrek The Turd (which I was kinda hoping for so I could use that as a headline) but it's not that great either.

Shrek is basically an easy to watch, forgettable movie.

So what's going on in Far Far Awayland.

Well Fiona (who still resembles Oprah)'s father, the frog king croaks literally...sending Shrek, Puss and Donkey on a mission to find a new heir. Shrek, who is the  next in line, doesn't want the gig.

Because as he has to remind everyone over and over - he's an ogre.

So the three set off on ship to find Fiona's cousin, Artie, who is actually the future King Arthur.

Meanwhile,  Prince Charming, voiced by Rupert Everett, is relegated to playing Prince Charming in a bad dinner theater production of Rapunzel. I found that one of the more inspired jokes in the  movie. Tired of his role, Charming convinces some of the worst villains to ever grace fairytaledom to help him overthrow the kingdom.

So they attack.

Oh yeah, meanwhle Fiona is pregnant, which of course bothers Shrek, not because he doesn't want them, he just fears he will be a bad dad.

Because he's an ogre.

As in Spideman-3 there are a lot of plots going on in Shrek The Third. But for some reason, it worked for me in Spider-man (oh yes it did, Marcellas!) and I just really didn't care here.

The problem is I think Shrek has lost his bite. He's kind of like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 4. I feel no threat from Shrek...which I feel is why he has to go around reminding everyone constantly that he's an ogre. Or perhaps when Mike Myers said it in the recording studio, everyone thought it was funny enough to keep repeating in the movie.

The animation is very good, but you would expect it to be. However most of the voices are pretty run-of-the-mill. Justin Timberlake as Artie is not too bad however. What really made the other two Shrek movies entertaining for me, was the poke at fairytales and pop culture. Now it's kind of all over the place...no focus.

Also what is up with the frogs singing, Live and Let Die, when the king dies? Did the producers have the rights to the song and just had to stick it somewhere.

Well, hey, Shrek will make tons of money for Dreamworks and McDonald's. And it is mercifully short at 92 minutes. So for that...

TWO BALL POINT PENS

300

Happy March,

I'm sitting here with my mug of beer - yes getting ready early to celebrate my half Irish side - ready and raring' to write my first review of the season! It's been a quite the Winter - writing and researching my horror feature, playing Mall Madness with my girls and - oh yeah - juggling a new job. The new job is okay...it pays the mortgage....barely...but it does allow me to, ahem, work on the horror feature!

And see movies!

The latest of them being a Priest's wet dream about young boys showing leg and  men with shaved chests, unbelievable (I wonder if they were CGI?) abs, leather loin cloths and capes...

Any of you making Superman jokes to me at this point, kiss my ass!

Yes I saw the highly anticipated 300 yesterday.  And I liked it...for the most part.

For the last three years, we have seen with great success, an intriguing action movie released in March - last year it was V For Vendetta, Sin City the year before and Constantine before that. All have met with great box office openings. By far, the favorite for me was Sin City. With it's CGI backgrounds, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Brittany Murphy (yeah I liked Jessica Alba, but I have a Brittany action figure) Frank Miller's Sin City was by far my favorite.

So I was definitely looking forward to 300.

In case you don't know, 300 is Frank Miller's favorite graphic novel that he released in the early 90s. He had been obsessed with The Battle of Thermopylae since he was a kid. So when he was old enough, somewhere in between The Return of the Dark Knight and A Dame to Kill For,  FM released 300.

300 is the story of Spartan King Leonidas, and his reaction to the threat of takeover by the Persian Empire. Committed to keeping Greece (and of course Sparta) a free land, he vows to fight off King Xerxes (who suffers from a god complex). Unable to lead his army, due to political reasons (damn corrupt politicians), Leonidas takes 300 of his finest men, and 700 Thespians, to head off the Persians at a narrow pass called Thermopylae (duh). The movie follows the historic three day stand the Spartans made against the Persians. The fierce resistance of the Spartans led eventually gave Athens the time it needed to win a huge naval war over the Persian Navy.

Apparently, former commercial director and Dawn of the Dead remake director, Zach Snyder fell in love with the story  and together with producer Gianni Nunnari battled the execs at Warner Brothers to make a faithful adaptation of 300.

Did they succeed?

Yes and no.

300 works on a lot of levels. The visuals are stunning...some of the best you will see this year. And for all the fighting that happens with similar looking characters, you never lose track of who is who. And they went balls out with the fighting. A lot of times when you have sword fighting in movies, the producers pussy out in showing the full extent of the damage a sword can do.

Not here. After its one hour and fifty-seven minute running time, you will have no doubt about (ooh rhymed) about the kind of damage a sword can inflict.

Where 300 doesn't work for me is on the character level. And for the teen fanboys it's targeted at, I don't know that 300 has to go any further than that. Gerard Butler absolutely commands the screen as King Leonidas. He comes off as the powerful King he's supposed to be. And Lena Headey is quite hot as his Queen Gorgo. But Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes, leader of the huge and monstrous Persian army, came off as one dimensional to me. Except for wanting to conquer all lands I had no idea what was driving Xerxes. Overall, he came off as cartoonish...though my gay friends will absolutely love him.

I won't spoil the big loss at 75 minutes in, but the death came off flat (and predictable) to me because once again, the performances were very superficial. I guess these days I want some character development with my action.  God I hope I'm not maturing!

But for the most part, the fights are spectacular and never ending and there is T&A  God bless the Greeks! (but now that I think about it, mostly Man Ass, urgh).

But without the character development, 300 comes off as a recruiting film for the Spartan Army circa 480 BC - to live and die for honor and freedom! David Wenham as Leonidas friend and aide, Dilios has the best line in the movie after he loses an eye.

"It is all right, for the Gods have seen fit to have given me a spare."

Three Ball Point Pens

Spider-Man 3

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU DO GO BACK!

I just returned from seeing Spider-Man 3 and I'm still trying to get my thoughts together...so bear with me. They're about about as crowded as the movie.

Okay, thanks for that pause.

You sometimes you gotta step back and smile as a geek. I think back to when I was a kid, watching Spider-Man, the old TV

series. Not the cartoon...the live action version on CBS. The webbing was rope, Spider-Man swung from the same building over and over, and the villains (even I thought at 8) sucked. Where was Mysterio? The Rhino? Doc Ock? Green Goblin?

Now at 43, I finally get to see Spidey the way he was meant to be seen.

Take a pause folks,  because whether you like them or not, we really do get to go to the movies now and see superhero movies the way they were meant to be seen.

Are they all perfect? Absolutely not. Ghost Rider missed the boat. Daredevil was better as a director's cut. And of course there was Batman and Robin.

So if this is the final Spider-Man for Sam Raimi, Toby Maguire,  Kirsten Dunst, and James Franco.

I say, "thanks."

Because they have given us the best superhero movie series ever created.

Spider-Man 3 is flawed. Probably a little longer than it should be (it clocks in at 20 minutes longer than the other two). And it has a whole lot of plot lines...many under used. But at the end of the day, it's one helluva a piece of entertainment.

Oh what a tangled web Sam has weaved. Sorry couldn't resist.

Spidey 3 takes off where 2 ended. Peter/Spidey, still played  earnestly by Toby Maguire, is on top of the world - New York loves Spider-Man. Maryjane, played by Kirsten Dunst, loves him. Peter is up for a staff gig at the Daily Bugle...

Life is good.

But it is Spider-Man, so life ain't gonna be that good for long.

A "common crook" Flint Marko, played by the talented Thomas Haden Church, has a sick daughter. So rather than going out and getting a job, he steals. But he's not very good at it. During a police chase, Flint escapes...into a research plant that happens to be testing molecular breakdown on sand. And of course, Flint falls into a pit just as the scientists are about to launch the test.

Enter Sandman.

Marko literally breaks down right before our eyes.  An amazing special effect is watching Marko come to life as Sandman as he struggles to rebuild himself.

Then there's Harry. Harry (James Franco) is still pissed at Pete (that's an understatement) for the death of his father, who happened to be The Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe). At the end of Spidey 2, Harry discovers his dad's lair. Well Harry, still holding a grudge, decides to go into the family biz.

Enter the Hobglobin.

And finally, there's the black goo. While Peter and Maryjane confess their love to each other and stargaze in one of Spidey's webs, a tiny meteorite lands by them...but wait...that's no meteorite, it's black goo. And it's attached itself to Pete's mo-ped.

Enter the black suit.

Think that's a lot going on? Hey that's only half of it. See there's also the introduction of  Gwen Stacey (played by Bryce Dallas Howard...man is she hot...hotter than MJ) as a love foil for MJ.  Gwen is who a lot of the fan boys wanted in the first movie.  Then there is Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), Gwen's wanna be boyfriend photographer, who's determined to take Peter's job at the Bugle.

And of course, Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) pops in for sage advice when needed. And finally (whew) there's J. Jonah Jameson, still played hilariously by J.K.  Simmons.

Whew!

That's alot. And to be honest, most of it worked for me. Somehow Raimi introduces all of these plots and ties them up at the end. The reason Spider-Man has always worked better than a lot of the other movies is because it's always been about the relationships. The first movie started out with Peter narrating, "this is the story about a girl..."

And it still is.

Peter and MJ's love is the center of these movies.  And Peter's friendship with Harry is another storyline, which in Spidey 3 is probably the strongest story.And the overall arc has always been Peter coming to grips with what it takes to be a hero and that inner struggle of wanting to be normal, to do the right thing, sacrifice.

So what works - the action is righteous. The fights between Spidey and Harry as the new Goblin, the Sandman, and Venom are jaw dropping brutal...probably some of the best fights I have ever seen on screen. These are not half-assed superhero fights. Raimi steps it up again, beating the Spide/Doc Ock train fight. The final showdown at a construction site is unbelievable. In a good way. JK Simmons is genius. Yeah and um, Bryce Dallas Howard is hot.

What doesn't work - there are probably two many storylines. Thomas Haden Church is underused, as is Bryce Dallas Howard. So is Topher Grace, who interestingly  could give Toby a run for the money at playing Peter/Spidey. There were actually times I found myself wondering if TG would've made a better Spidey only because he has the same earnest thing at Toby, but he is also the wise-cracking Spidey that we all know and love.

I know heresy. Toby is Spider-Man. He was meant to play the role.

Oh yeah, and um, Kirsten Dunst sings...twice...wasn't really feeling that.

I know some fanboys have complained about the Saturday Night Fever inspired scenes. They call them, "goofy." They are no more goofy than the "Raindrops" scene in part deux.  And I know some folks have complained about the "convenient amnesia and where the goo lands." I'm okay with it. It's not great, but I'm okay with it.

Kirsten Dunst sings, sorry, still shaking my head.

One tip to Sam, if you go on to direct anymore Spidey's...leave his mask on. Jesus. And stop killing off all the villains!

And finally there's Venom. I did like Venom. And I wanted more.  The transformation from Eddie to Venom is classic and wonderful. I know Sam Raimi has stated that he really didn't care for Venom and there are rumors that he was forced to use him. It shows. I need more Venom! Most of the time, Venom is Eddie Brock with the mask pulled back. He should've been introduced in 3 and left for four...but maybe there's a way to bring him back. Please...

The other theme, hammered into our heads like the original theme of with great responsibility comes great power, is the idea of forgiveness. Will MJ forgive Pete for letting Spidey go to his head and ignoring her? Will Harry forgive Pete (and visa versa) for the death of his dad? Will Spidey forgive the SandMan? Will Eddie forgive Peter for embarrassing him at the Bugle?

Guess you'll have to see it to find out. And when you do, go see it on an IMAX. There's no better way to see it.

Oh and Kirsten Dunst sings...twice...dang.

FOUR  (OUT OF FIVE) BALL POINT PENS